[2023-08-20] why i have no friends... [uD3WoCfNW7M]

So today I want to talk about why I still

don't have any friends and why I still

refuse to make friends and why I'm

generally still kind of anti-friendship.

I still feel like having friends and

making friends is kind of a waste of time,

and a few things have happened recently

that's kind of solidified my

anti-friendship stance. So first of all,

you might be wondering, have I made any

friends at Thai language school? And the

answer is obviously I haven't made any

friends, and I've been going there for, I

think, nearly 2 months now. And the reason

why I'm kind of glad that I didn't waste

my time making any friends was because— is

because there were a few people in level 1

class that I thought maybe they could

become potential friendship candidates,

but then they left and didn't come back to

school for level 2. And now I'm feeling

like, well, I'm glad I didn't actually

make some kind of friendship connection

with them or form some kind of bond with

them because they left anyway. And then I

felt sad. So in Thai class level 1, there

was an American guy called also called

Daniel, and I chatted to him once and I

thought he was pretty cool. We chatted

because we were both headed to the train

station at the same time, so we just

started talking and then we got on the

train together and we chatted on the train

until he got off at his stop. And that was

the first time and the last time that we

ever chatted. After that first chat, we

just kind of said hello when we saw each

other in class because there wasn't really

another opportunity for us or for me to

talk to him again, because every time I

arrived at the class and he was there,

there were always some other people in the

class already talking to him. So I didn't

really get another chance where it was

just me and him alone together. So I

didn't really get the opportunity to ever

talk to him again apart from just

greetings. And I felt kind of sad when he

left and didn't come back anymore because

he was quite a lively character.

Actually, there were about 4 Americans and

some other people from level 1 who left

the class and didn't come back. And now

the entire atmosphere and the vibe of the

classroom doesn't really feel the same.

It's not really as fun as it used to be.

And now I just feel kind of like like

there's zero point trying to make friends

at this classroom because at any given

point they could and probably will just go

back to their own country. It could be

this year, next year, or within a few

months. And then I would have just felt

like, wow, I just wasted my time and

energy and efforts becoming friends with

this person and then they just left anyway

and now I've got no friends again. So when

I go to class, I don't really talk to

anyone. I keep my head down. I don't make

eye contact. I pretend to be looking at my

phone or sketching in my textbook just to

seem like I'm busy and I'm not interested

in talking. And there have been a few

people who tried to talk to me. They just

like said, hello, how long are you in

Thailand? You know, just like small talk.

And I didn't really put much effort into

my responses. I just kept my replies short

so that the conversation wouldn't really

go anywhere and they would stop talking to

me. And it has kind of worked because

after the first attempt by them to talk to

me, they haven't really tried to talk to

me again. And I know that makes me seem

kind of like a snob like I'm stuck up,

like I'm not a very nice guy, but I just

don't really want to create like this kind

of connection with these people when they

could possibly just leave at any given

moment. And then, you know, I might feel

sad. I see the other class members talking

to each other and making friends with each

other and inviting each other out to go to

restaurants and go to meals and go out to

places. And a part of me does feel kind of

jealous or sad that I'm not involved and

I'm not invited as well. But it's kind of

my own fault, so I didn't put any effort

in trying to communicate or talk to them.

Before I started going to the Thai class,

in the back of my mind, I did kind of have

this idea that maybe it would be nice if I

could make some friends at the class and

then have like a more interesting

experience living here in Thailand rather

than just like living in my apartment and

then going to school and then coming back

to the apartment. I thought maybe it would

be like back in 2010 when I went to Japan

the first time and made some friends at

Japanese language school. And that was, I

guess it was kind of fun. And currently I

feel kind of bored going to school now

because I've been going there for nearly 2

months. Didn't make any friends. I don't

really see anyone in the classroom at this

present moment that I feel like I would

really want to become friends with or that

I would actually click with because

they're all kind of old in the class,

like 40 years old, some are 50, like one's

60 years old. I don't really feel like I

could be friends with these people because

of the age difference. And there's like a

married couple and then there's like one

guy who's early 20s, so he's like way too

young for me anyway. So even though I'm

only halfway through the course, I can

already kind of predict exactly what's

going to happen throughout the entire

course. And it's just when you feel like

you can predict what's going to happen,

then it gets kind of boring. And then the

second event that's happened last week

recently that has further solidified my

anti-friendship stance was when I finally

met— well, not finally, but for the second

time I met one of my favorite streamers or

YouTubers or whatever you want to call

him. I don't really want to say his name

because for some reason whenever I I put

his name in the title or mention his name.

YouTube doesn't really like it. I think

you can guess who I'm talking about. But

when I went to find him and meet him and

kind of do like a stream snipe, and after

everything that happened, it kind of made

me feel like, wow, that was, uh, kind of

scary. Sometimes I do feel like maybe it

could be fun to have like a, a fellow

YouTuber streamer friend who is nearby and

we could do stuff together. So I went to

snipe this guy and find him to try and

join or become a part of his community.

And everything was going really well

whilst I was with him. And I thought we

had like an interesting time together and

we did some funny stuff. But then after I

said bye and left, something kind of

messed up happened where basically members

of his community found out something I

said about one of his friends that

was like a very strongly, very harsh

opinion, judgmental opinion that I had

that I wrote on my Discord server. And

someone screenshotted it and sent it to

his community, and his community found out

about it. And obviously instantly they all

hated me. So I couldn't really explain

very well why I said what I said. It was a

very insensitive thing I said, and I don't

know why I said it. Maybe it was like part

trying to be edgy and trolling and joking

around, and also part, I don't know, like

projecting my own thoughts onto his friend

and then like bashing him or trying to

bash him for no good reason. So when he

phoned me to confront me about it and

asked me why did I say that, I didn't

really have a good explanation. And I

think like all the bridges have been

burned and there's not really any way I

could be part of his community now after

what happened. And it just kind of made me

feel like, yep, this is exactly why I

can't have friends, is because I have like

a very judgmental personality. I'm very

judgmental and have strong opinions about

basically everyone and I have like very

negative opinions about nearly everyone I

know, and I find it very difficult to keep

these negative opinions to myself. I love

speaking my mind and sharing my opinion,

whether it's on livestreams or Discord

servers. I love just sharing my opinions

about people, even if it's like a very

unfair or insensitive thing to say. And

the problem is people find out what I say

about them freakishly often. So now I

don't really feel like there's any chance

I could be his friend anymore because I

bashed his friend and his community all

loves his friend, even though his friend

has a clear history of being a scammer.

Kind of frustrating because this exact

same thing happened like 5 years ago, 4

years ago, when I had the opportunity to

be friends with Chris Broad from Abroad in

Japan because I found out we actually went

to the same school together and we nearly

met up. But because I said something about

his friend Joey, the Anime Man, I think I

said something like, wow, the Anime Man's

girlfriend is so fat. And then because I

said that and a bunch of other stuff,

obviously Chris couldn't be friends with

me because I just bashed his other really

good friend who is Joey. It's kind of

frustrating because it took me— I mean, I

didn't really learn the lesson, did I?

Because it happened again. But it took me

a very long time to learn that people

don't want to be friends with you if you

bash people that they are friends with,

because then it's kind of weird, isn't it?

So it's basically impossible for me to

make friends because even if I like this

person and I would like to be their

friend, I might say something negative

about some other person that they like.

There's also this problem of my history

being all over the internet, like

everything bad that I've said and like my

big drama that's all over the internet,

like that can be easily Googled and found

on archives and other weird websites and

even my own YouTube channel. So obviously

I want to present myself as a good person

when I'm trying to impress someone because

I want them to like me. But then it's so

easy for them to dig up stuff just by

Googling my name, or maybe one of my

viewers or hate viewers would try and

jeopardize the friendship or relationship

by saying or sharing screenshots of

something I said years ago and say, oh,

did you know Daniel said X, Y, and Z this

amount of time ago? So it's like

impossible to present myself as a good

person anymore because of how easy it is

to look up my history on the internet. I

don't think anyone at the Thai class would

even want to be my friend if they knew

even half of some of the bad stuff that

I've said on the internet. And you might

be thinking, well, just stop doing it.

How hard is it to just keep your mouth

shut? I literally physically cannot stop

myself from negatively criticizing people

that I watch on the internet or know in

real life. It's just impossible because I

really enjoy doing it. I really love doing

it. It gives me a lot of satisfaction and

I find it fun and funny. So I don't really

want to have to stop and I don't feel like

I can stop. So I don't know how I could

ever make friends if they find out

anything about me. I would have to keep

everything about myself a secret and like

lie to them about my name, not tell them

about my YouTube channel. So I would never

be able to form like any real kind of

connection. As like a friend because I

would just have to keep everything a

secret, and then if they found out

anything about me, they would probably be

disgusted. So I guess I'm gonna have to

give up completely on the idea of having

friends. I think it's fine. I don't really

feel like having friends would be that

much fun anyway, and I've got a fish tank

and I got some fish and shrimp and some

baby shrimp, and they're my friends and

they don't talk and they don't care about

my internet history.