I had a crush on this girl in my class

When I went to Japan 10 years ago, all the

way back in 2010, I went to a Japanese

language school in Osaka. I think it was

called Human Academy. I didn't really want

to go because at the time I felt like my

Japanese was good enough, but my dad

insisted that I go to a Japanese language

school because it would give me something

to do. And I thought that was kind of a

stupid thing. To do, to go to,

because why would I need something to give

me something to do? I was going to Japan

to meet this girl. So in my mind, I

thought, I'll be spending every day with

my new girlfriend and we'll have this

romantic, lovely time together. And every

day will be exciting and full of happiness

and love and cuddling. And we're going to

go to all these places and we're always

going to be together every single day.

Yeah, 20-year-old Daniel was a stupid

idiot and very naive because in reality

what actually happened was she was a very,

very busy university student just about to

graduate and she was looking for her first

proper job. And that meant she was very

busy. She was going to these seminars and

going to job interviews and she was

attending class and she didn't really have

much time for me. She only managed to— she

was only able to meet me about once or

twice a week. And as I am now, back then

as well, I was a very clingy and needy

person, and I was kind of devastated at

the idea of only being able to see her

once a week. I thought to myself, oh crap,

what am I supposed to do for the remaining

6 days of the week? And the memory of

this just makes me sad. So the first few

weeks when I was in Japan for the first

time, I would spend all day long sitting

in the supermarket. I mean the shopping

center, not the supermarket. So at the

shopping center, there was a bench and I

would just sit on the bench all day long

because I was scared to sit in the guest

house. I was worried that strangers might

start talking to me. And for about the

first week or 2, I, I just hung out at the

shopping center all by myself. And I'd

just wait until the day I could see her

again. And it was just such a depressing

way of living. And I was really glad that

my dad insisted and made me sign up to

this Japanese language school.

Unfortunately, it didn't start until March

and I arrived in February, so I had about

a month to wait until my class actually

started. And I wasn't really looking

forward to going to school. I didn't feel

like it was necessary. I didn't see the

point. But my dad paid for it, so it

wasn't really costing me anything. And I

just said, okay, sure, whatever. And I

went along with it. And in this class,

well, first of all, we had to take a

placement test. I scored extremely well on

the placement test and I was put into the

second highest class. And this class

was full of Taiwanese people.

I think Pretty much everyone in the class

was Taiwanese. There's maybe 2 Korean

guys, and I was the only Westerner, the

only European in the classroom. I also

think I was one of the youngest. I think I

was about 20. There's only one other guy

who was younger than me. I think he was

19. But, you know, I was like this cool,

mysterious guy from England who was young

and had a cool hairstyle. I mean, look at

the picture. Look at my hairstyle. I look

so cool. And I sat next to this Taiwanese

girl. She was quite cute. Actually, most

of the Taiwanese girls in that class were

quite cute. They were very petite, small

and slim, had very feminine features and

feminine kind of fashion. And I sat next

to this girl and she was really friendly.

One thing I noticed about Taiwanese people

is they're not really shy. Well, the ones

I encountered in that class in general

were not very shy people. They're very

friendly, very open, very easy to talk to.

So kind of the complete opposite of

Japanese people. Anyway,

I got to become— I became friends with

these Taiwanese people extremely quickly.

There was a group of about 5 or 6 in

our friendship group. The class was pretty

big. It was about 30 people in the class

and You know, we had textbooks,

the teacher came in, taught us Japanese,

we had to do exercises. And this may sound

shocking to you because I wouldn't be able

to do this now, but back then we had to do

like roleplay scenarios in Japanese in

front of the whole class, and I actually

enjoyed it. I can't even imagine myself

doing that now and not feeling anxious or

nervous. I guess I was less socially

anxious back then. Anyway, so I had this

friendship group of Taiwanese people. I

think it was 3 girls. There were 2 cute

girls, 1 kind of tall ugly girl, and 2

guys. And they're all very short, all

shorter than me. Kind of made me feel good

because it made me feel tall and superior,

even though I probably wasn't superior.

So They were all in my class and we used

to sit next to each other and we used to

hang out after class ended. And I really

enjoyed it, actually. I look back at it at

that time with fond memories.

Instead of just going straight home after

class, they'd be like, hey, Daniel, do you

want to hang out? Let's go eat ramen.

Let's go eat some Japanese restaurant.

Let's Go to karaoke. Do you want to go to

a castle on the weekend and we can have a

picnic? And I think it was,

um, well, not the last time, but near,

close, close to one of the last times I

had a social life. And even though now I'm

very against the idea of having a social

life and having friends, I don't know why,

but I seem to be very scared of the idea

of having a social life now. I don't know

why exactly, but I remember in my

early 20s when I was in Japan, I had this

friendship group of Taiwanese people and

it was a good time. I had fun. I didn't

feel lonely and I felt like I was accepted

into a group of people and it felt good.

And I don't know if I miss that or if I

want that again. I don't know if my bad

reputation on YouTube is making me worried

or paranoid that people might find out

about my channel and they'll read up stuff

about me and then they won't like me

because of some random thing I said all

the way back in 2017 or '18.

I guess that is a factor when it comes to

why I'm a bit nervous or paranoid about

the idea of meeting people like I did back

then. But anyway, I had this friendship

group of Taiwanese people and they were

nice, I guess. And I had a bit of a crush

on one of them. She's actually in this

photo. She's got brown hair and I never

had the guts to ask her out or make a move

because I felt like it was kind of weird.

I felt like we were friends and it would

be inappropriate to make that kind of move

and tell her that I liked her. It was just

strange. I always find it difficult going

from friendship relationship status to,

um, admitting to that person that I fancy

them and find them attractive physically.

It's a weird barrier to cross. It's a

weird line to step over because once

you've stepped over it and you get

rejected, it's kind of hard to go back to

just being friends without that

awkwardness being there. It's awkward

because you tell a person you like them,

and although that sounds innocent, you

know, you say, hey, I like you, that

sounds all cute and innocent on the

surface level. But, you know, if you have

any kind of intelligence, what I like you

really means is I want to be inside

of you at nighttime, if you get what I'm

meaning. And although you don't have to

say that, it's kind of implied when you

tell someone that you fancy them. It means

that you don't really just want to be

friends and you want to get to know each

other on a physical, intimate level. And

it's kind of embarrassing admitting that

to a person only for them to say,

sorry, I don't feel the same way. We

should just be friends. So I never had the

courage to tell her that. I kind of wish

that sometimes I did, because what did I

have to lose? I don't talk to her now,

or any of those Taiwanese people that I

met back in 2010. It's kind of sad,

really, if you think about it. Can anyone

here honestly say that there's people from

10 years ago that you still keep in touch

with and you're still friends? Because I

can't think of a single person I met in

Japan 10 years ago who cared

enough to keep in touch with me and to

message me and say, hey, what's up,

Daniel? I find that really sad and

depressing. Even people I went to school

with and I was best friends with back

in secondary school don't even message me

randomly and say, hey Daniel, what's up?

How's life? It's just kind of sad. Makes

you think, wow, people really don't care.

People People are so self-absorbed in

their own lives and their own little

tight-knit group of, you know, family,

loved ones, and friends that even if you

spent a meaningful time together sometime

in the past, to them it's kind

of nothing, and they've probably forgotten

about it and forgotten about you, even

though to you it might not be nothing,

and it might still be something that you

stay up all night thinking about.

It's like a lost piece.

It's like a stone that gets thrown into

the ocean. It's gone. It's lost forever.

It sinks to the bottom. That's like a

memory. It happened. There's no denying

that, but then the time has passed so much

to the point that it's kind of like it

also didn't happen because the only proof

that it did happen are these stupid photos

and these memories in my brain that won't

fade away and keep popping up randomly in

my head just to remind me that they

don't care about you. They've moved on

with their lives. They probably have good

lives now, make good money. They probably

are married and have kids and have a

fulfilling life whilst I'm walking round

and round in circles in an Airbnb

that I'm going to leave in a few days,

and I've only been here for a month and I

haven't really made much progress in my

life, even though 10 years has passed.

And that makes me feel a bit sad.