I'M BACK IN JAPAN

So I got this new game on the Switch.

Oh, she looks nice. It's called Disaster

Report: Summer Memories, and it's a demo,

free demo, and it's in Japan, so I

thought I'd give it a try. Apparently it's

about Disasters. I have no idea

what, what kind of gameplay it's gonna be.

Do you like my hair?

By the way, I can understand

every single word without looking at the

subtitles because I'm fluent in Japanese.

Oh, what joy it is to play on a one-horse

sleigh. Oh, jingle bells.

Oh, when's the bloody game gonna begin?

Oh, I have to choose one.

Okay, so what is this game about? I'll

stay calm. I'm scared I may not be able to

move forward. There's so many to choose

from. I come first. Yeah,

fuck everyone else. Hahaha. Why is

it blurry? I am a male protagonist or I am

a female? Should I be a male or female?

Boku wa. Watashi wa. Boku wa. Watashi wa.

Boku wa. Boku wa. Boku wa. Boku wa. Boku

wa. I want to be a woman because then I

can see a sexy Japanese lady.

Oh. Watashi wa. Konna kao

shite. Oh, I can choose her face.

Interesting. They all look kind of the

same. Look how pale she is. I can choose

her skin color. I like the creamy yellow.

That's fine, whatever.

Oh, I can choose a hairstyle. It's kind of

hard to see her hair because the

background's black and her hair's black.

I'm actually quite liking this game. I

like this hairstyle. I like it when you

can see her ears a bit, and I like the

ponytail, and it also looks kind of neat

and nice. Yeah, I'll go with that one.

Stupid reflection.

Offer my seat to the elderly lady.

Realize I'm getting off sooner. Offer my

seats. Look at surroundings. Offer my

seats. I curse at the lady before offering

my seat. Yeah, fuck you.

Just because you're old, you think you can

sit down?

The game looks pretty good,

actually. I don't know why. The graphics

aren't amazing, but it still looks kind of

cool. Reminds me of my

time living in Japan.

私はこのバスに乗って。I have to choose everything.

Okay, so I'm on my way to a job interview.

I'm thinking about going out and meeting

some people on my way to a company

business meeting. What should I do?

Let's go shopping.

Shoppingのために水蓮通りに行こうとしているの。 Da

da da da. When is the disaster gonna

happen?

I don't know if it's a good idea to play

this music. You know what YouTube is like,

bloody copyright claims.

Push the button if you want to disembark.

When can I do something? It's like

watching a movie.

And you can't even skip the cutscene.

Okay, so there's been an earthquake and I

can decide what to do.

Confusedly copy what everyone else is

doing and duck. Well, I guess ducking

would be a good idea.

She should sit on that girl's lap.

I can 't

believe it 's been five minutes and I

haven 't done anything apart from

selecting some stupid menu options. 私 は もう

一 度 考 える こと に した。 もし

巨 大 地 震 に あ った ら、 しか

も 初 めて 訪 れた 町 で 巨

大 地 震 に。 あったとしたら、私は。There's

so many options. Please stay calm. I'd be

scared. I'd save myself, obviously.

自分さえ助かればいいのよと思っているわ。All I

remember is the earthquake happened. The

bus flipped over. Then I don't know what

happened after. Everything went black.

Look, I've got this big crack on my

screen. It's not actually on the screen,

it's on the glass screen protector. I

don't know why they make it out of

tempered glass. Why don't you make it out

of plastic? Stupid glass every

time. Oh, what's going on? Is it first

person? So she's gonna

crawl onto the shards of glass.

I needed grass. Haha.

Shards of grass. Why do I speak

like that?

What should I call myself?

Dickhead. That's good.

Dickhead Ichikawa.

No, I'm not. Re-enter. Yes, I am.

Can we move yet? 8 minutes until we

can actually do some gameplay.

So what's this game about?

It's like a simulator, isn't it?

Earthquake simulator. How do

I run? Oh, you can duck and crawl.

Look up her panties.

Oh,

why is she crawling along the floor?

川 崎 で 強 い 揺 れ を 感じ ました。 必

須 市 に ある ス タ ジ オ でも 強 い 揺 れ を 感じ

ました。 身 の 安全 を 確 保 する こと を 最 優 先 に して

ください。 倒 壊 して いる 建 物 には 注意 して ください。 上

から の 落 下 に 注意 して ください。 Oh,

you can shout at people.

Oi! She looks like a crazy woman.

How do you sprint?

Oh, oh, you can go first-person mode and

look around. Oh, look at the buildings,

they're collapsing. See if this lady's

okay. Get out the way.

So what do I do?

Oh wow, oh wow,

I took damage!

That was pretty cool actually.

Unexpected. So is that random or is it

scripted?

Oh wow, everything's collapsing!

This would be so exciting if it happened

in real life. Whoa!

So I think things are just randomly

falling.

What's going on over here?

What the hell is really happening?

Oh, trapped man.

Oh, this lady.

I thought she was naked. Never mind.

Don't know

what to do.

He looks suspicious.

Point Western lie.

You know in movies when they're

trying to track someone down and they go

to the family's home and then they torture

them trying to find out information about

where they went, and then the person who's

being tortured always refuses and acts

tough and then dies a heroic death? Why

don't they just lie and say, oh, the

person you're looking for went to blah

blah blah? I was

watching that movie. What was it called?

Quentin Tarantino movie.

I forgot. I can't be bothered explaining.

You know what I mean. Whatever. So what do

I do now? This game's kind

of boring, actually. You just run around

and then buildings collapse.

Is this guy taking a photo?

Vlogging. When I was living in Japan, I

just wished something like this would

happen so I can make a video about it,

but it never did. And the most interesting

thing that happened was there was a time

typhoon and it knocked stuff over and

there was a power cut. So that was pretty

exciting actually.

I kind of regret that I ended up leaving

Japan before the coronavirus happened.

Would have been cool making videos when

the virus was in Japan. I could have made

videos like, look at Japan, it's all

deserted because everyone's at home. What

it's like living in Japan with the virus.

How the coronavirus is affecting my life

in Japan. I couldn't make videos like

that, I guess. Oh well,

couldn't have predicted that it was gonna

But yeah, this game's boring. You just

talk to people and you run around.

I would not pay £40 for this.

Yo, yo rakonde sagashimasu.

Sumimasen.

Sumimasen.

Why do they sound like they're about to

break? Burst out in tears when they talk.

You know which game I'd love for them to

bring out on Switch? That Jet Set Radio

game. That was pretty fun. I used to

have it on my smartphone. There were some

Sega games on, on the smartphone

Android App Store, like Soulcalibur, but

then they suddenly vanished one day.

Oh, this game's so boring.

It doesn't even tell me where to go, what

I'm supposed to do. I'm just running

around in circles.

I guess it's cool if you want like a Japan

simulator pretending to be a Japanese

woman, but if you want

action and challenge and fun gameplay

mechanics, I would give this a miss.

I guess my 20-year-old weeb self in the

past would have loved a game like this. I

used to love games that were set in Japan

when I was obsessed with Japan. It just

seemed so magical and cool, and I used to

fantasize about one day living there. And

then you do live there and realize it's

kind of boring in real life.

Real life is always a bit of a

disappointment. Maybe I can crawl under

No. Despairing man.

If I was in this situation, what would I

do? I would probably take videos of what's

happening and then go home,

not just stand around doing nothing.

I feel like this building might fall down.

Hold my hand.

In other words,

say you love me.

Well, I can go inside here.

Maybe it's not a good idea to stand inside

of a building when all the other buildings

are collapsing.

Something depressing I found about Japan

was everyone wearing suits and shirts.

They just look really boring.

Something about seeing someone wearing a

suit and tie that just makes me feel sad.

I never want to have a job where I have to

wear a shirt and tie.

Okay, I give up. I don't know where to go,

what to do. This game just sucks. The end.

1 out of 10.