having social anxiety

Guys, I don't like my hair. It's too

short. It looks strange.

I don't know what to do because if it gets

really long it looks weird, but then if I

cut it, it looks weird as well.

I liked it long actually. I don't know why

I cut it.

It was probably because of this person

that I know. She likes short hair,

so I thought I'd trim it a bit. Then my

mum keeps saying my hair is too long,

looks like a helmet. What else is it

supposed to look like? Everyone's hair

looks like a helmet. It's just the shape

people's hair is.

I don't know why, but I don't like it when

people say my hair look like a helmet.

But then I don't want to cut my hair

either, so what am I supposed to do? I

didn't take this label off.

Now I kind of regret cutting it.

I think I cut about 2 months worth of hair

off.

Where's my hat?

Oh, I don't know. I guess I should just

have the hairstyle I want to have because

you shouldn't try— you shouldn't change

yourself just to please someone. Because

there's always going to be someone who

likes the way you look and someone who

doesn't like the way you look. So some

people might say you look better with

short hair, some people might say you look

better with long hair. I personally prefer

to have long hair, so I guess I should

just go with long hair if it makes me feel

happy. I don't know, I get so confused.

Sometimes I feel like I want to have

shorter hair. Like, I look at other men,

I think Yeah, they look kind of cool with

short hair. Maybe I would look cool with

short hair as well. But I don't know, I

don't think it would suit me. And if I cut

it short and then I regret it, it will

take like a year to grow it all back

again. Ugh, I wish I could try it and

rewind time to see what it looks like. I

don't know why I don't learn from my

mistakes. I keep doing the same thing,

like it gets really long down here and

then I cut it. And then if you cut here,

you also have to cut the back, because if

you don't cut the back as well, starts to

look like a bowl, like it's too long, you

need to layer it a bit. So I do that,

and then the top's longer than the back,

so I have to cut the top a bit, and then

end up cutting the whole thing. And by the

end, at the end, after you've done it all,

you've cut loads, and then you realize and

you think, and you think, damn, I've

really cut too much. I don't know what to

do. I don't want to go to the

hairdresser's because I don't have any

money. I'm poor. Well,

I do have money, but I don't want to spend

it. I hate going to the hairdresser's.

It's just so awkward, you know, when they

try and make small talk with you. The last

time I went to the hairdresser's, I was

about 18, and before that, my mum

always used to take me me after school,

and I used to hate it. We'd get in the car

and then I'd realize, hey, this isn't the

road home. Where are we going? Oh, are you

taking me to the hairdresser? She didn't

even ask me if I want to go to the

hairdresser or not. And I had

like this feeling of dread. I hated it so

much. Then I had to go into the

hairdresser, and it was like this small

room, I don't know, half the size of my

bedroom. And then there's 2 chairs and a

woman And it had that smell of cut hair

and shampoo. And then you'd sit down,

she'd always ask you the same questions

like, how was your day? How was school?

Oh my God. And I would just say the same

thing, it was okay, fine.

Oh, what are these?

Sometimes I want to cut this off as well.

I don't know, maybe I could do this and

then cut 2 holes here.

I don't know what to do. I want to grow it

long again, but then if

I get a job and then the employer asks me

to cut my hair, I don't know what I would

do. It would be kind of silly to quit a

job just because of hair. But I know if

I had a kitchen job, they wouldn't really

let you have long hair unless you wear a

cap or you tie it up. Kind of irritating.

But I don't really think I'm gonna get a

job before March. I don't know if I'm

going to go to Japan in March anymore. I

was supposed to go with this person, and

then she said that she can't go in March

anymore because of money. Even though I

said that I would lend her the money, she

said that she needs to buy presents and

gifts for her stupid family. I don't know

if she's gonna watch this. I didn't mean

to say stupid. I'm sorry. I don't

buy my family anything when I go abroad.

I don't even buy them gifts when I come

home.

So she said she might be able to go in

June, but I don't really want to go in

June. It's gonna be boiling hot. I don't

know what to do now. Should I just go on

my own? I don't know if I want to go on my

own or if I want to go to Japan at all

anymore. I keep changing my mind.

Sometimes I really, really want to go,

then sometimes I don't really want to go

because the last time I went, I didn't

have such a great time actually. I always

have these expectations that I'm going to

meet people, going to make friends, we're

going to go out and do stuff. Well, I did

that. But I— it just wasn't

as fun as I thought it would be.

The problem is I don't really— I'm not

really interested in people.

Does that sound strange? It's like usually

people are interested in people, like they

want to meet people. I don't know, I kind

of want to cuz I get lonely, but then at

the same time I really don't care about

other people enough to be

interested in them. I don't know if that

makes sense. I've never met anyone where I

felt like— I don't

know, it's just confusing. I'm really

confused. There was a lot of people I met

in Japan and 80%

of them I didn't like, and I don't know

why I didn't like them. Maybe the way they

looked, or their personality, or the

way they spoke. It's kind of stupid. I

don't know if I— I don't know how to

change my attitude. I know it's not a very

good attitude. It's not very positive.

But what are you gonna do? I don't know

what to do. I don't know how to change a

personality.

Um, maybe I could go see

if things are going to be any different.

Things aren't really going to be different

if I don't change myself, my personality.

Someone once said to me in Japan that they

didn't think that I was interested in

people, and that's not really true.

The problem is I'm just really, really

shy, and I, I don't approach people, and I

don't greet people unless they greet me.

So if people don't talk to me or greet me,

I just end up sitting there on my phone on

my own. And when My face is kind of grumpy

when I'm not smiling.

Look,

would you approach someone that looks like

me? I look like I have like this aura

saying that says, don't talk to me, go

away. And I think that the reason I have

that aura is because of secondary school

where I really hated everyone and I didn't

want anyone to talk to me, so I just walk

around looking like this all the time,

and I perfected that don't talk to me

aura, and I still have it, and it's kind

of hard to get rid of. Who's talking out

Why are they so loud? Stupid gypsies.

I really don't like the gypsies. Sorry if

you're a gypsy and you're watching, but

why are you so damn loud? Your house is

all the way over there and I can hear your

voice like you're next to me.

But I guess my mum's pretty loud as well,

but that's because she's deaf and Asian

people are loud anyway. Have you ever seen

like a Chinese family talking? Sounds like

they're having an argument, doesn't it?

And— oh wait, I want to show you

So I was kind of interested in going to

Taiwan, and then I was looking up videos

on YouTube, um, visiting Taiwan, and

there's like this, uh, Chinese program.

I don't know if I can find it again. And

the presenter was this Chinese woman. I

don't know if she's Chinese or Taiwanese.

She's so loud, it was like she was

screaming, the way they speak. Is so

irritating. I guess to them it's

enthusiastic. I don't know how to find it

again. Hold on,

what if I go to history?

No, this is all old history. It hasn't

saved my recent history. Viewing history.

What did I type in last time? Visiting

Taiwan. Okay, I need to retrace my steps.

I watched— I think it was Michaela.

I don't like Michaela, she's kind of

irritating. Okay, so I couldn't find a

video of the irritating Chinese girl,

but, uh, basically she was just screaming,

but she was just excited, enthusiastic.

But for me personally, I just

wanted to poke my ears out. I don't even

know if you can do that. So yeah, I don't

know if I want to go anywhere. Sometimes I

feel like I really want to go, then

sometimes I feel like I don't want to go

and it's going to be a waste of money and

a disappointment. But I guess I should

just think positively and go. It might

not be the same as last time if I Try to

change, try to change a little bit, and it

might be fun this time if I do videos and

stuff. Where are

my sunglasses?

Look, now no one can recognize me.

What do you think? Don't I look so cool?

Look at that.

I look really weird.

Ugh, what am I doing with my life? The

gypsies are leaving in their fancy car.

I don't know how they get all those fancy

cars. I guess they must have a lot of

money left over since they don't have a

proper house with taxes and bills because

they live in a freaking caravan in a field

which is actually supposed to be protected

greenbelt land, but since a caravan isn't

technically a house, they're allowed to

live there.

Oh, I also learned like a fun fact a few

days ago on Facebook. There was this

article about a sheep that got lost in the

wild, and they found it, and it

was like a big ball of wool because no one

was shaving it. And it was like a big ball

of wool, and I was wondering How do sheep

survive without humans? And then everyone

replied in the comments that they don't

survive, and sheep were like

an animal that's been created by humans.

I thought that sheep existed before and

they just roamed around in the wild before

we domesticated them, but apparently not.

So if we didn't eat the sheep, then the

sheep wouldn't have existed in the first

place. So is that an argument against

vegetarianism? Vegetarianism? Because if

we didn't eat the meat, then we wouldn't

need sheep. Well, we would need the sheep

for wool. Like, my fabulous hat is made

out of wool, so I guess we would still

need sheep.

So that was a fun fact, another tidbit of

information learnt on the Facebook.

Oh yeah, we have to go outside to do some

jogging today because it's not raining

today. It was raining all day yesterday,

so I couldn't go outside. So let's

go!