[2020-05-25] Why I was Afraid of Girls [LHB0ggx_P5E]

Back when I was 14, puberty started to

kick in and I suddenly became more aware

of girls than ever before. All of a

sudden, I'm starting to think things like,

the girls around me are really pretty and

I like them, but I don't know what to do

about it. So my response to this was to

become very afraid of girls. I would get

awkward speaking to them, and I would

start sweating if I sat next to one. And

there was one girl that I really, really

liked, and she used to come over to my

house quite a lot because her parents were

friends with my parents, so I knew her

from a very young age. I always thought of

her as kind of like a family member, kind

of like a close child friend, childhood

friend. And then one day, I started

developing these strange feelings for her,

and these feelings kind of scared me.

When she was around, I felt really,

really happy. And when she wasn't around,

I felt really, really sad. Just the

thought of her started to make me feel

excited. I could feel my heart skipping a

beat, and I had this strange tingly

feeling in my chest and my stomach. I kept

thinking to myself, when's the next time

she's gonna come over? When are they

coming over? How long do I have to wait

until they come over again? Well, they

didn't come over again for about another 4

years, because it turns out her parents

and my parents started drifting apart and

started talking to each other less, so

they stopped coming over as often. I think

it was also around this age that I became

kind of emo. I started listening to emo

bands like My Chemical Romance and heavy

metal bands like Killswitch Engage, and I

just felt like this lonely prisoner

trapped in my house waiting for this girl

to someday come back to my house so we

could see each other again. Every time I

heard my mum on the phone talking to

someone, I got excited, hoping that she

was talking to that girl's parents again

and they might be coming over to our

house. The last time she came over to my

house, when I was about 14 or 15, we

actually exchanged phone numbers. It was

funny because I was looking through her

bag, which was kind of a weird thing for

me to do. I don't know why I thought it

was okay to just rummage through her bag,

but I did, and I found her phone. And it's

really strange because she had the exact

same phone that I had. I just recently

came back from Malaysia where I exchanged

my old Nokia 3310 for this brand new Nokia

7220 or something. I couldn't believe we

had the exact same phone model. I felt

like, wow, this is— this must be a sign.

This must be a sign that we're supposed to

be together. It's destiny. We're

definitely meant for each other. So I took

her phone out of her bag and I said, hey,

look, I've got the same phone as well.

And as you can imagine, she was pretty

upset that I went through her bag. My

phone had this case which was purple, and

I didn't like the color because it was

kind of girly, and her phone case was

blue. So I suggested that maybe we could

exchange phone cases, and she said okay,

but she only wanted to exchange half the

case so she would have A half blue, half

purple phone, and then I would also have a

half blue, half purple phone. I thought

this was really cute, and I was really

happy that she let me do this. It felt

like something a boyfriend and girlfriend

would do. We used to text each other, and

then I wanted to phone her as well. I

wanted to hear her voice, so I tried

phoning her a few times, but I was too

scared to actually talk to her because I

still felt embarrassed that I had these

strange feelings for her, and I was scared

that she might find out that I liked her.

So I used to prank call her. I used to

phone her up, and then when she said

hello, I would just quickly hang it up.

And for some reason, I didn't think she

would find out it was me, when obviously

she would know it was me because she knows

my phone number. Well, she messaged me

saying to stop prank calling her, and if I

want to talk, then let's talk. And then

one day, just out of the blue, she

messaged me asking me if I wanted to hang

out, and I was really happy with this.

Because we've never hung out just the two

of us apart from, you know, when she came

over to my house with her family. I said

yes, of course I would love to, and then I

asked my mum to drop me off at town, and

then we met up and we did all of these fun

things together. We went to laser tag and

we went to the cinema and we went to

McDonald's. It was kind of like a proper

date, and I couldn't believe this was

actually happening. I kept thinking to

myself, is this a dream? I can't believe

this is real. It feels so magical and

Wonderful. So during that day, we ended up

doing quite a lot of things together, and

she admitted to me that it wasn't all for

nothing. She confessed to me that she also

liked me and had feelings for me and

wanted to be in a relationship with me.

And I kind of froze. I didn't know how to

handle that situation. Completely wasn't

expecting her to say that at all, and I

just completely froze up. And she probably

thought that I wasn't interested, and she

probably felt really embarrassed, and she

left, and I never saw her again. It kind

of sounds like a really bad plot to some

kind of anime. You know, you have the

loser protagonist who has all these

problems, and then a girl comes along and

saves him and helps him. And I guess it

was helpful. She helped push me out of my

comfort zone, helped me overcome social

anxiety a bit. And thanks to her, I didn't

really feel scared of girls anymore. I had

someone pushing me and helping me, but

when it comes to a relationship, I

couldn't do it. I think that whether

you're in a friendly or a romantic

relationship, it's not healthy when one

person is just constantly supporting the

other person. You can't have one person

whose role is to push and help the other

person. That's a bad relationship. It

wears you down having to be someone else's

support all of the time. A good

relationship would be when 2 people

support each other. I guess the final

lesson that could be learned from this

experience is that one person can help

push you out of your comfort zone and can

help support you, but they can never help

you stand up for yourself.