I Played the EARLY Access version of Baldur's Gate 3! (my thoughts)

Criminal. Haha, I like that.

Background. Oh my god, so many.

Background: criminal. You have a history

of breaking the law. Yeah, sounds like me.

Race. What is the most attractive race?

Which one would you bang? Wood Elf looks

sick, like she's green.

High Elf looks quite hot. There's only 2

elves. What? Oh, oh, tiefling.

Uh, what the hell?

She's kind of cute. I don't know about the

horns. Imagine you're doing missionary,

you grab the horns to hold on.

She looks weird. The graphics are not bad.

Drow. Who are they?

She's kind of hot. I like the jawline.

Human.

There's only one kind of human. Not really

my type. Is this the David

Ford Gaming channel? Yep. Oh, would you

smash her? Look at that nose. That is one

freaky nose. She looks like the Grinch.

Dwarf. Oh my god,

she's so ugly. That is

bleh.

Half-elf. No, she's ugly.

Wood half-elf, ugly. Ooh, ugly.

Halfling, uh, it's like a midget.

Would it be pedo if you smashed her?

Because she's an adult.

Why would you want to play as a midget?

Gnome? The gnome is just like a thin

halfling. Look at the gnome.

Would you smash a gnome? Oh my god, look

at this. That is creepy. Like an adult

woman's head on a child's body.

That's so weird looking.

Rock gnome. Would you smash her?

Fuck, why are her arms so long? Deep

gnome. Rock gnome. Hmm, I like

the elf the most. The wood

elf looks like she's diseased. I like the

high elf's glowing skin.

What do the men look like?

Are they all black? Oh my

god, that's so ugly.

Why does this look like Sam Pepper?

Doesn't it look like Sam Pepper?

That looks like Sam Pepper.

I'll just make a hot elf, I guess.

Look at all these stats, Jesus Christ.

Wisdom, dexterity, constitution.

Venture forth. Can I make her look hot?

That jaw is kind of strong.

What was that?

Eye color, hairstyle. This game is

Baldur's Gate 3. This is kind of

cute.

Are those dreadlocks? Dreadlocks. Oh,

this is kind of cute. Can make the hair

brown or something. It's like an old

woman. Why are the bangs blonde?

Red.

How many hairstyles are there?

I'm just gonna waste all my time. Oh, I

kind of like this, but her face looks too—

doesn't look soft enough.

Oh, she's bold.

This one looks like Marzia.

Oh my god, there's so many hairstyles.

There's one— it goes from 1A to

30A and then 1B to 30B. I kind of like

this one. Maybe I'll get this one.

And then,

hmm, what color highlights?

Mm, yeah, that's okay. How do I change her

face? Tattoo style,

face.

That's it?

Not much customization. Why does she look

like a man? Isn't there a more

feminine-looking face?

Maybe human women look better. Why is she

black? A face.

She looks old.

Why does her hair look so gray?

I can give her a beard. Haha,

why would you want to give a woman a

She looks like Cersei from Game of Thrones

They're all so ugly.

No, that High Elf looks much better.

Um, what's this?

I can create— I mean, choose a spell.

Firebolt.

Whoops,

didn't have my fans on boosted.

How is Thai school? It's pretty fun. The

lessons go by really quickly.

We learned a lot yesterday. The American

guy was complaining to me about the

teacher. He said she was

too impatient with him and he felt like he

was being harassed. Next thing, he's gonna

sue her, probably. I think the teacher's

good. I like

the teacher. Okay,

I've got points I can allocate.

Charisma. How about we remove all the

wisdom because we're gonna be a dumb bitch

and I'll put it into charisma.

What does constitution do?

Ability checks. I have no idea how

Dungeons Dragons works. Uh, what else?

Skills, animal handling,

nature, survival.

Oh my god, there's so many stats.

I'm confused by the teacher because on the

first lesson I thought she was young,

like 30, late 30s. Because you could kind

of see her face. On the first lesson, she

wore this mask with like a plastic

see-through bit so you can see her mouth

doing the pronunciations, and she looked

kind of young. But now she went back to

using a normal mask where you can't see

her face, and now she kind of looks older.

I think she's like late 40s now, I

rethink, rethink it.

I hate everyone using masks all the time.

I can't tell what anyone looks like.

Sick and tired of everyone wearing masks,

getting face blind.

Abilities— okay, how do I just play the

game? Come on,

I can't play. Venture forth. Why not?

Oh, what's this? Who do you dream of?

Who attracts you?

What? Why do I have to choose someone who

I'm attracted to? What about a gnome?

Who am I attracted to?

She looks okay.

That's so weird.

Okay, I'm attracted to her, I guess.

How do I change her face? Head.

This one looks really derpy.

This one looks like the British girl— oh

my god, this looks like the British girl I

dated for like 2 months last year.

Had like a very derpy look,

like one of those peasant girls on Game of

Thrones that gets effed by Theon

Greyjoy. And then she's

like, are you gonna make me a princess?

They all look so ugly.

Oh, I guess this is

the least ugly.

Why do I have to make a character that I'm

attracted to? That's so weird.

Uh, hey, so plan is I got 1 hour 40

minutes before I can refund it. Play it,

get my first impressions, put out a video.

How are the plans going for Kick? Uh, I

don't see the point of doing Kick.

I got 90 followers, so I need to stream 5

hours to enable sub button,

but I don't even know if anyone would sub.

I'd rather just do Twitch. At least I make

some ad revenue.

This game's weird. It looks like Diablo.

I can zoom in really close. It looks like

a crappy version of Diablo. It runs really

slow as well.

Uh, look at that. It looks

like an anus with little flesh lumps on

it. It's like Chihiro's zigzag.

This game looks so shit. This looks

just like Diablo. What the hell?

Why does it stutter like that?

Jump to reach. How do I jump?

You got to aim where the jump Okay,

I can hear your fan. Yeah, I've got 2

fans, the laptop fan and the cooling pad

fan.

What's that? This is your end.

Stop talking. How do you fight?

Imps block the path forward. You assist me

in destroying them.

Okay, whatever. I guess

this is like role-playing.

Turn-based combat.

I don't need tutorial.

What?

It's like

XCOM. Looks like XCOM.

So I move the camera around, click the

enemy to attack.

It feels just like XCOM.

And then you end your turn. Yeah, this is

just like XCOM. The hell?

Yeah, I can say the combat is so boring.

You just take turns.

Why would you want to play this instead of

Diablo?

It's hard to get a good impression of the

game in just 1 hour 30 minutes.

Yeah, I'll say it's a Diablo ripoff but

with boring combat.

Why does it look like a mobile game?

What was

that?

Come on, don't care.

Well, the problem with the American guy at

school is he doesn't listen to the

teacher. The teacher wanted him to say

these 2 words. But he just wouldn't say

it. I don't understand. She was saying,

repeat after me, leo ga leo

kwa, but he kept saying leo kwa and he

wouldn't say the leo ga. And the teacher

said, say it like 6 times,

and he just kept ignoring her. It was

weird. He kept looking at the book and

then looking at the board and then looking

back at the book and the teacher kept

saying leo go, leo khoa, and then he kept

going leo khoa.

It was really frustrating. Just say what

the teacher's saying.

I think he didn't know that leo go and leo

khoa are 2 different words because they

kind of sound similar.

But he seems to be really struggling,

and the teacher doesn't speak much

English. He tries asking the teacher

things like, does this also mean XYZ?

And she doesn't understand what he's

They taught us a word, husband, which is

sami, and he was asking, does— can sami

also mean spouse? And she obviously didn't

understand what spouse means. She started

explaining how to pronounce it,

not answering his question. I mean, it

just means husband, it doesn't mean

spouse.

Why would it mean husband and spouse?

Okay, what do I do?

Oh, talk to this person.

What? Come on, nothing's happening.

What do I do?

Oh, this game's so stupid.

Talk.

Attack. Am I supposed to attack him?

What? I don't get it.

Uh, what do I do?

Oh, I died.

What was that? It sounded like she I

think I'm dead.

Oh, what? What a stupid game.

Oh my God, I gotta restart from

the save point.

I don't even understand it.

I keep saying McDonald's in every example

sentence. We have to create our own

example sentence using the grammar we

learned, and I always say, I'm going to

McDonald's. And now the other students ask

me if I'm going to McDonald's when they

ask me stuff. It's kind of funny.

Funny. We were practicing days, the girl

next to me asked me, what day do you go to

McDonald's? And I say, every day. And then

everyone laughed.

Imagine spending £50 on this game.

Kind of makes me want to play XCOM,

actually.

I used to like XCOM.

Do you think the Japanese language will

die? No.

The population needs to go down anyway.

They've got too many. 120 million is

so much, so many people for the

size of the country. They should only have

60 million like the UK. It's just

a natural correction.

They just overpopulated from the economic

boom, but that wasn't natural.

Oh my god, I hate this game. What do I do?

Your turn to do what? I killed

Why am I in combat mode when there's

nothing to kill?

Oh, leave turn-based mode.

You think declining birth rate is a good

thing? Mm, yeah,

I guess so. I don't know,

whatever.

I feel like there's too many people.

Less mouths to feed.

Why does the game start off on this weird

flying spaceship thing? It should start

off in a nice green forest or something.

Thing.

I will ascend.

Why did it zoom in?

Oh my God, what am I supposed to do?

Go. Oh my gosh,

just nearly killed myself. How'd you heal?

Oh.

You are needed. Do not delay.

This game sucks so much.

Oh my God. I'm gonna die

again.

It doesn't tell me what to do.

Reach the helm.

Where is it?

Ah,

this game sucks.

Fish poops.

Again. Clean up his poop later.

Keeps pooping.

Stupid fish.

1 hour 20 minutes left. What do I do?

Stupid fucking game.

Shut up.

I thought the helm would be at the front

of the ship.

Where is it?

Oh, helm. Ah, this way.

Why didn't you tell me then? Stupid game.

I hate it when games don't tell you

clearly where to go. How do I go?

Oh my God, fucking died.

Stop standing in the fire. I hate this

game so much.

How do I revive?

Potion of healing.

I can't click on myself.

I'll just leave— haha, leave her in the

fire. I can't turn the camera around. How

do you turn the camera around? It keeps

zooming in.

As an avid fan of Baldur's Gate, and

ARPGs. I knew I just had to play this

game. Unfortunately, server has been

lacking in luster. The console

appears dormant. Nothing. The console

remains dormant. The mechanisms are

completely unrecognizable.

Locked down. What do I do? Fits in that

socket. A devil's

woman is true. A devil's woman.

Fal'geikh transformed by a lever.

That must never be our fate.

The newborn mind flayers.

The movement feels very unresponsive.

Does the stream quality look good?

I think I put it at 2,000

I think it looks good enough for a

video.

Go to the helm.

Did he just one-shot me? What? I'm dead.

I don't even know what's going on.

I'm not even doing anything. Who is

that? Oh, the tentacle face guy.

Is he gonna solo them? I think he's

gonna die. Oh.

So what do I do now? I'm dead.

This is the worst game I've played ever.

How did she revive herself? Look, I can't—

how do you turn the camera around? Oh,

middle mouse button.

I've got the whole day alone today.

I gotta make some videos. Girlfriend's

coming back at— I think she said 8 PM.

It's now 9 AM, so I've got 9

hours. I'll make this video,

then I'll shower. I gotta make some main

channel videos about something.

Think of a topic.

People are getting bored of the

livestreams, constant livestreaming.

Got to change things up a little bit.

Hmm, what can I talk about? I'm just gonna

like make a load of videos. I want to make

like 6 videos today to release slowly.

Now I'm only streaming on Twitch today.

Rage.

Dip. Main attack,

lassery.

I don't have any potions. Firebolt.

12 viewers. Yeah, going viral soon.

You just wait. One of these days, going

viral.

1 billion viewers.

And I'm gonna die again.

Where can I get potions?

My highest damage attack is just main

hand attack,

and I missed.

I'm so dead. Oh my

God. This game's so stupid.

Oh wow, thanks Blue Flames,

subscribed.

Very generous.

I have 3 subs now. Wow, that's like $4.

I think

I'm just gonna die again. No potions.

Where's my teammate? Can I revive her?

Twitch takes— I don't

know, don't they take like 30% or

something? 50%? Kick would only take 5%.

But Kick doesn't have ads.

Maybe I should run away.

Does Thailand have movie theaters? Yeah,

loads. Oh my God,

one-shot me.

They have really nice cinemas. They have

like reclining special VIP cinema rooms

where it's got like a recliner bed kind of

I'm not really into movies. I like

watching it on Netflix, just have

something to watch whilst I have dinner,

but there's never any movie that I want to

see so badly I want to go to the cinema.

I don't care if the screen is really big,

I'd rather have the comfort of my own home

and eating dinner, and I can go to the

toilet when I want to, look at my phone

when I want to.

My girlfriend's phone kept ringing. We

went to watch Guardians of the Galaxy and

she didn't know how to put it on silent

mode with the little button on the side.

I flicked the silent button on and she was

like, oh my god, I didn't know what that

button did. How do you not know?

Yeah, she has an iPhone, but she didn't

know that you could set it to silent with

that little button on the side.

Why does the timer say 2 hours 50 minutes?

Oh, cuz you subbed to me. Now I don't

know how long I've been playing. Imagine I

accidentally play this too much and can't

refund it.

How long have I played it?

52 minutes.

There's no good games out.

Why does it keep missing?

I'm bored of Zelda.

Can't be bothered playing it.

Reincarnation? I don't really believe in

I need to do 135 damage.

I only do 4 damage. It would take like

40 turns.

And died again. What am I supposed to do?

I don't really believe in anything

spiritual. I don't think

there's anything magical about thinking

and consciousness. Just your brain

doing electrical stuff. It's just flesh,

like tissue. And then it rots when you

die. I have no idea what to do.

I'm too weak. There's no way I can fight

Oh, you heal here. My other team member is

dead.

Do I have to grind? Oh, what's this

We're watching this series called Titans

on Netflix. It's so cheesy.

It's got that guy from Game of Thrones.

As Bruce Wayne. You know the guy who looks

after Prince— Queen Daenerys and he's

like a massive simp? Who's he? Was he a

Baratheon? Ser something.

And it's got this guy called Dick Grayson

and he's rubbing. It's so cringe.

It's got like a clone of Superman in it as

well. It's okay to watch,

I guess.

This game sucks

so much, I don't know what to do.

I watched a lot of Ice Poseidon yesterday,

and I swear he didn't get any donations,

and he was even complaining about it. He

was saying that he only got, I think,

60 gifted subs that entire

day, which isn't much considering it says

he's got like 10,000 viewers.

I watched him for maybe 4 or 5 hours and I

don't remember seeing him say thanks for

any donations. I didn't even see

him get one donation or text-to-speech

thing.

So I don't know if the viewers

are fake and it's like viewers botting,

or people just don't want to donate

because it's Kick and there's no like

Super Chat function. It's kind of weird.

I watch a lot of the other streamers too,

like Sam Pepper, and I very rarely see

them get a donation or anything.

So I don't understand. It's like people

don't want to donate because there's no

Super Chat thing.

Super Chats do look nice when you buy one,

pops up on the chat and it's all colorful.

I think I'm not strong enough to open it.

Uh, how do I open it then?

The new door.

Ooh, an elaborate key. Key for

Put up your bum.

Maybe I'll do an IRL on Sunday. I don't

know where to do it though. Maybe YouTube,

maybe Twitch.

I feel like if I did it on YouTube, I'd

get stressed out with music and copyright.

But if I do it on Twitch, I'll, I'll feel

like less pressure, so I'll be able to

enjoy it more. And then

I just clip any highlights, make it into a

Is Mario Kart worth it? Uh, yeah,

if you like racing.

Why are they attacking me? I'm just

freaking I'm

gonna say this game sucks so much.

Imagine if XCOM had a baby with Diablo

4, and this is the

ugly bastard son.

So what do I do?

Uh, how do I save it? Save game.

This game's really annoying. It doesn't

tell you clearly where to go. Or what

to do. I got this key, where do I put it?

I keep getting stuck on the scenery.

Ah, maybe here.

Look for a switch. Mechanisms are

completely unrecognizable at first. Hit

it. Nothing. The console remains dormant.

I saw Ice Poseidon eat a little frog

yesterday. It was disgusting. He bit the

head off and then Kimberly ate the stomach

torso. They look like giants eating a

little human. Frogs look like humans with

the legs and arms. If I was a barbarian,

I could have just ripped this off.

I would not try any of that weird stuff.

They have weird stuff like big insects on

a stick, scorpion,

spider. Imagine actually enjoying that.

Perfect,

perfect. Oh,

what do I do?

1 hour.

I thought I'd have to use the key here.

Mug.

Gold.

My back hurts.

You didn't use clickbait title today.

Really? I thought I put I wanna fuck a

ladyboy as the title.

Oh no, it says— oh, it says don't watch

testing.

I guess Twitch didn't let me use that

title and just used the previous title.

Why is the title don't watch testing?

Is it too late to change it?

I,

I don't know. What should I put?

I'm gay with ladyboy.

It won't let me. Says it's a forbidden

word. Why I'm gay.

Let me do that. It seems like the word

ladyboy is not allowed in the title.

This game is so crap.

What's this?

It's telling

me to go this way.

What? Oh, this person has loads of loot.

Githyanki half plate, equip.

Longsword.

My greataxe does more damage.

I'm level 1. Am I supposed to

be level 1?

Brains.

Ignition.

Ignition.

Scroll of Revivify. That is the dumbest

word I've ever heard. Revivify. Where is

my team member?

Oh, she's naked. Oh, I looted her.

She's naked now.

Maybe I should revive her then.

She's so gross looking.

Now she's naked. How do I give

the stuff back to her?

Would you smash? Hmm,

I have to turn all the lights off, put a

bag over her head. Maybe I could do it. I

would have to be very horny.

What? Why do they all just die?

They all just suddenly died.

This is the worst game I've ever played.

I think I'm gonna refund it and make the

video now. I don't really see much else.

That's gonna happen.

The movement system is terrible.

No, it's not Diablo, it's Baldur's Gate.

It just feels really horrible to play it.

I guess I revive now.

Take you out.

What? She missed.

Diablo is so much better.

Do you

think we can take him? I don't think we

can. He just one-shots us.

What can this person do?

Possibly daze them.

Create an invisible spectral hand that can

manipulate, interact, Objects, hamstring

shot,

lacerate. Maybe I'll do

a lacerate.

Missed, missed again.

Oh, he just one-shot me.

Oh.

Oh, why didn't she heal her, not herself?

How do I revive her?

Do I play games with my girlfriend? No.

She only plays this mobile game. It's like

League of Legends.

I don't like those games.

Why is she not moving?

Did she start streaming? No, but she was

asking me how to set up OBS,

which is kind of weird. She said she wants

to stream. I said, but you don't have any

viewers. Who's gonna watch you?

My sister said her English is better than

Chihiro's. My sister said she didn't

understand a word Chihiro was saying.

It's funny because back then everyone was

hating on me, saying that I was being

mean, saying her English was bad. I'm not

being mean, I'm just being honest.

The haters are kind of gone now, aren't

they? I guess they feel satisfied now the

channel's dead. There's nothing really to

keep hating me for.

Can I save it now?

People wanted to argue with me so much,

debate me about stuff.

Now they don't

care.

Not now. We must go to the helm.

Action. What's the action?

Save it.

Okay, how do I kill this guy?

Everything keeps missing.

I can't even

catch my breath. Hmm, what does

this do?

Oh my God,

he keeps one-shotting me.

Oh, take this

or Sario will have your head.

How do I

I need help. Swift and lethal.

Oh my God, this game's so shit.

I think I'm done.

Ew, is that succubus licking him?

Okay.

I think I'm gonna make the video now,

refund this piece of shit. What a shit

game.

This boss is impossible.

Oh no, I can't be fucked with this. Fuck

this stupid game. What a load of rubbish.

How can you make such a shit game? Oh my

God. Okay, well, bye then.