My life struggle with having Autism

So today I want to talk about my

experience of having Asperger's or autism.

I don't really know if there's a big

difference between the two words. I

believe there might be a subtle difference

between the two conditions, but in my

mind, I believe and think that they're

basically the same thing. So usually I

don't really like the idea of having to

admit the fact that I might have a mental

condition like autism or Asperger's, but

after so many people keep pointing it out,

it starts to begin to become a little bit

difficult to ignore. So ever since I was a

child, I always thought to myself that I'm

completely normal and everyone else is

weird, and everything else that people do

in society doesn't make any sense, and I

don't like it, and it confuses me, and I

think it's stupid and weird. Even as a

child, I had difficulties trying to fit in

with the other kids and trying to be

normal, and I always got picked on because

obviously I'm not very normal and I was

kind of weird, and the other kids could

see that straight away and very easily.

Even as a young adult entering the

workplace for the first time and getting

my first job, I used to think everything

people did was really strange and weird.

Like, why do they keep shaking their hands

when saying hello to each other? Why do

they keep offering to make each other cups

of tea whilst they're working? All of

these things that normal people do in

normal society, I used to think was

strange and didn't make any sense, and I

would refuse to do it, which would just

make me seem really weird. But I never

really thought to myself, there's

something fundamentally wrong with my

brain. I thought, wait, this is just my

quirky personality. It's not anything like

autism or Asperger's. And then I started

to make YouTube videos, and it was when my

YouTube videos started to get some kind of

attention and exposure to a large amount

of people that people started to point it

out. And it was at that point, the first

time in my life, people started to tell me

that I might have autism or Asperger's.

And as you know, or as you can imagine, I

got into quite a lot of trouble with my

YouTube videos because I would make videos

about topics that I had very strong

opinions about that I didn't like. Like,

I had a problem with this and had a

problem with that aspect of society. And I

would voice my opinions in a very strong

way. And I would think, honestly think,

that my opinions that I'm stating are all

very reasonable and make logical sense.

And I felt like I was explaining why I had

a problem with this and that in a very

good way. And everyone who watches my

videos, they would completely understand

and agree with me. But the opposite

happened. I made so many videos

complaining about things like why I hated

this person, why I hated my coworker, why

I hated this person I was in a

relationship with, why I hated my job,

why I hated school, why I hated basically

everything. And then I'd explain my

thought process, thinking that anyone who

watches the video would instantly agree

with me and completely support me.

But in reality, what actually happened was

people thought I was weird, and the

reaction I got from my videos wasn't

really the reaction I was looking for. I

was hoping people would be supportive and

say, you're right, Daniel, you make

complete perfect sense, that person you

hated was an idiot. But it seems like the

pattern is that I have a problem with

everything and everyone else. Maybe they

aren't the problem, maybe I'm the problem.

But instead of the affirmation and

validation I was seeking by making these

videos, instead what I got was hatred and

negativity and anger, and people were

mocking me and constantly telling me that

No, Daniel, you're wrong because of X, Y,

and Z, and you're the idiot. I was

honestly shocked and deeply saddened that

the majority of people who watch my videos

would just disagree with me and attack me

and insult me. I really didn't expect this

kind of reaction from people because in my

mind everything I say and do makes perfect

logical sense. And honestly, this negative

reaction I got on my videos really

destroyed my love for and enjoyment for

making videos because in the beginning I

used to really enjoy sharing my opinion

and thoughts and experiences on things.

And I used to look forward to seeing what

people would say in the comments and be

expecting them to be supportive and

understanding. But when I saw how much

they disagreed with me and how stupid they

thought I am, it just made me lose any

kind of enjoyment for the video creating

process and putting stuff out there. And

at the time I was being very vulnerable in

my videos and expressing actual genuine,

true things that I believe in and think.

And to be greeted with such negativity

and hatred from the viewers towards my

genuine feelings and opinions actually was

very hurtful for me personally. And I

tried really hard. I battled for years

trying to win the support of the viewers.

Every time I had some kind of conflict

with a person or a girlfriend or an ex or

my ex-wife, I tried really hard to explain

my situation and my viewpoints to try and

win people's support. But it was like

nearly every single time, the majority of

people would tell me I'm wrong and then

they would back my enemy. Every time

someone wronged me, like Tomokoach, Hero,

Hong Kong Guy, I was expecting people

would have my back and support me. But

instead the opposite happened and they

made it seem like it was all my fault and

I was wrong about everything. I think it

was around nearing the end of 2018 18 that

I just gave up trying to win people's

support and trying to even care anymore

about whether people are going to back me

up or not. Because at that point, I just

felt like this is impossible. It doesn't

matter what I say or how I say it, people

are just going to disagree with me every

single time and say that everything's my

fault. So I started to think to myself,

okay, it's kind of impossible to be

likable and get people to be on my side

and win their favor. Because maybe I just

suck at explaining things, but I refused

to believe that I was actually wrong and

anything was actually my fault. So I

thought, okay, maybe I'll just give up and

then take on this role of a villain, and

I'll just play the role of the villain and

say things that make people hate me,

because they hated me anyway. Even when I

was trying to be likable and trying to win

people's support, they didn't like me.

They just hated me all the time. So I

thought, okay, well, there's no point

trying. I'm just gonna say things on

purpose now that makes people hate me.

And this was kind of a stupid idea because

it just made me feel really miserable. I

already hated to be hated so much, but

then I also hated the feeling of trying

not to be hated but then getting hated

anyway. Making YouTube videos about my

personal life and personal thoughts has— I

never felt more misunderstood in my entire

life. Even my dad and my ex-wife and my

current girlfriend have all said the same

thing to me. Daniel, I think you have

Asperger's. I think you should get checked

out. Nothing has destroyed my

self-confidence more than being told

repeatedly that I might have autism or

Asperger's, because it's like no one is

even trying to understand where I'm coming

from now. They just— they're just labeling

me with this condition. Everyone just

completely disregards my opinion or my

thoughts on anything because they think I

have this condition. So I just feel like I

gave up and I stopped caring about trying

to win people's support or trying to get

people to understand me because it just

felt like a constant uphill battle. These

days I really find it uncomfortable and I

don't enjoy meeting new people because I

realize now that I am a pretty weird guy

and I don't seem normal. I try my best to

put up this act, trying to pretend to be

normal, but I don't really think it's very

convincing and it's very tiring having to

put up this act. And I just feel very

self-conscious that people are judging me

and thinking in the back of their mind,

wow, that Daniel guy is pretty weird. I'm

also very reluctant to share any strong

opinions I have with people when I meet

them in real life, or even on videos much

these days. I'm very reluctant to actually

share my real opinion on things because

I'm scared that people are just going to

call me an idiot and disagree with me and

tell me I'm wrong. And I really can't be—

I just really can't be bothered, and I

don't have the energy to argue and debate

with people about why I believe my opinion

is right and why you're wrong and why you

should shut up. After my experience on

YouTube where everyone or nearly everyone

was just disagreeing with me almost all of

the time. I don't want to share my

opinion, my real opinion on things much

with people anymore because it just feels

like I'm wasting my time. They're not

going to understand. They're gonna think I

have Asperger's. It makes me feel kind of

sad that I can't express who I am,

who I really am, to anyone, not even on my

own YouTube channel, because I'll just be

met again with pitchforks and angry mobs

of people. Even things like getting a job

is something I don't want to do, not

because I'm lazy Okay, maybe I'm a little

bit lazy and I don't really want to work.

I mean, who does want to work? But I'm not

completely against the idea of doing the

work. That's not my problem. I don't mind

working. The problem I have is with

people. Nearly every single job I've had,

I fell out with the people I worked with

because I don't want to do things the way

that they tell me to do things. I find my

own unique, special way of doing the tasks

and jobs. Even if that means it's not the

most efficient way of doing things, I want

to do things my way. So I had this job, a

lot of you probably already know about

this, in a petrol station working night

shifts. And I had a coworker, a very

serious guy from Nepal, and we did not get

along. And we had a few arguments that

ended up in me quitting the job because I

could not stand the guy. But one of my

jobs was to cook the frozen foods in the

morning, like the frozen bagels and the

frozen burgers and pies. I had to take

that out of the walk-in freezer, put it in

the oven, cook it, And to walk into the

walk-in freezer and get the frozen food

out, there were boxes upon boxes stacked

on top of each other of frozen food. And

then to get the stuff out of the boxes,

you had to take the box from the top off,

put it down, take off the next box, put it

down, and, and then take off the box that

you wanted to open, open it, take the

stuff out, and then stack all the boxes

back on top of each other. And I felt like

this was such a tedious and annoying task

to have to do. So I had this genius idea.

I bought this very sharp pocket knife from

Amazon and then I would take it with me to

work, and then I'd cut a square window in

the sides of the boxes and create like a

flap, a door. So I just open the flap,

take the stuff out, close the flap. I

didn't have to unstack the boxes and then

stack them all back on top of each other.

I didn't have to open the boxes and then

close them back again. And I thought this

was such a great idea. And then the stupid

Nepalese guy said to me, Daniel, can you

stop cutting holes in the boxes? And then

I said, why? And then he said, because

it's gonna make them fall down. And this

doesn't make any sense at all because

number one, they never fell down. Number

two, just because you cut a square hole

into the side of the box is not going to

affect the structural integrity of the

box. It's not gonna make it collapse. The

strength of the box is in the corners. I

mean, buildings and skyscrapers don't

collapse because there's windows in the

side of it. But anyway, that's just one

example of one of the weird things I would

come up with And sometimes my ideas were

very efficient and then sometimes they

were less efficient than the proper way of

doing things. And because of this, I would

fall out with everyone, or at least a few

people at every single job I had. So I've

had to try to come to terms with the fact

that the majority of people will just

never understand the way I think and will

never be able to understand and will never

think that I make sense. And that kind of

sucks, but it's just the way it is, I