[2023-11-29] The Next Chapter [zEOCAFMrDRA]

When I started my YouTube channel, I had

this goal in my mind, this vision of

what kind of YouTuber I wanted to be. I

know it sounds cliché, but I wanted to be

this really honest YouTuber, the most

honest YouTuber on the whole website, and

I wanted to be really open and genuine,

and there'd be no secrets between me and

the viewers. I wanted to create this

reputation of being completely open and

trustworthy and genuine And I wouldn't do

things like trying to scam my viewers or

sell rubbish like merch and products and

try and get them to sign up to these

random websites. I wanted to be just, you

know, a guy in his bedroom making videos

about his life and that would be it.

But somehow things completely got out of

control and I strayed so far from that

idea. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I made this promise to myself that I would

never lie. I would never make up fake

stories. All my videos would be completely

true. And I remember the first time I

lied on a video and just made up some

rubbish, some fake story. And I remember

it feeling very scary and kind of bad,

like I was doing something very bad. But I

remember feeling like once I've stepped

over this line, once I've crossed this

line, there's no going back. In a way, I

felt like I betrayed myself. I broke my

own promise that I made. It was also kind

of exciting, though. After I made my first

video where I made a lie in it, it was

just a tiny lie. I don't even remember

what it was, but I remember I just added

some kind of fictional detail to a story

that wasn't true or didn't happen. And I

remember, although it felt scary and I

felt kind of sad at myself for doing this,

it also felt exciting, like I just stole

something from a shop and I got away with

it. When my channel blew up in 2018,

things kind of got out of control. I

completely lost any kind of impulse

control and I got completely sucked into

the craze of chasing views and attention

and trying to become famous to the point

that I was willing to do basically

anything. I was willing to use anyone for

content, hurt anyone for content, even

fabricate stories and drama just to try

and become more famous and grow my channel

more. I wasn't satisfied with only 10K,

20K views. I wanted the big views like

50K, 60K, 100K or more. My goals were

to get over 100K or 150,000

views on videos no matter what the cost,

and I was willing to do anything, which is

probably what made the channel so

entertaining back then. I convinced myself

that it was worth sacrificing my integrity

and my credibility and my reputation in

order to get views. And things probably

would have continued in that crazy spiral

of addiction for fame and attention if

that little thing called the virus didn't

happen and the whole world shut down. It

wasn't until around 2021 when I was stuck

in Manchester The UK was in lockdown.

Japan had shut its borders. And I found

myself stuck in this tiny apartment room

in Manchester, which was kind of like a

self-imposed jail. And I was just sitting

there day after day, month after month,

all alone, completely by myself. And I

didn't know what to do. I just kind of sat

there thinking and thinking and thinking

and feeling regret over my actions

that I made in 2018 and '19. During the

heat of the moment when I was getting all

the attention, I was getting all the

views. It felt so exciting and

exhilarating. I didn't really have to

worry about the negative consequences of

my actions because I was so distracted by

the excitement of it all. And it wasn't

until 2021 when I was all by myself and

had time to self-reflect and do some deep

thinking, that's when all the feelings of

guilt and regret started to come flooding

in. Some evenings in Manchester, I would

just sit there for hours and hours not

doing anything, just kind of staring out

of the window, and I would feel so sad and

actually cry. I cried a lot in Manchester,

mainly because I felt so stupid over what

I had thrown away, over what I had lost.

And I kind of missed my life in Japan and

the marriage and having a comfy, stable

relationship and lifestyle. I really

missed that, and I felt like such an idiot

for throwing it all away over some

short-term gains. In the moment, it felt

like all of the drama and the destruction

was worth the short-term gains in views I

would get, and I didn't really think about

the future. Or the long-term destruction

it would cause on my mental health. So I

made myself a promise that if I ever

managed to rebuild what I once had, which

was a stable life, a stable relationship,

someone who's in my life who really cares

about me, and a pleasant way of life— if I

ever managed to rebuild that, I wouldn't

ever risk destroying it or sacrificing it

just to get some short-term clickbait

views on YouTube, because I know from

experience that it just wasn't worth it.

So I see myself sitting here in this next

chapter in my life, this new chapter, and

people might be thinking, why, why are you

so boring now? Why don't you just go back

to what you were doing before? Japan's

open, you can travel now, the virus

thingy's over. And there was a part of me

that was thinking, yes, as soon as Japan

reopens, I'm going straight back. We're

going to continue where we left off from

all the craziness. We're just going to

pretend like this virus thing didn't

happen, pretend that the last 2 or 3 years

didn't actually happen, and we're going to

continue from 2019 or 2020. But time

has passed, a lot of time has passed.

It's been quite a few years, and I feel

like my way of thinking and my

brain has changed somehow. I think I have

made quite a lot of improvement in terms

of impulse control and being able to keep

my mouth shut when I really should just

stop talking, and, you know, not

oversharing too many things about my

relationship that could cause unrepairable

damage to it. The problem with 2018 and

'19 was I just didn't know how to shut up,

and I would just keep talking and talking

and talking. And I actually enjoyed it

when I got in trouble from talking too

much and oversharing, because that would

mean more drama, more content. I could

make a video about the argument. If I got

kicked out, I could make a video about it.

If I got dumped, I could make a video

about it. And it was like dopamine and

adrenaline whenever I got in trouble

because I knew I'd get something good out

of getting in trouble, which was clicks

and attention and views and money. And it

was all just out of control back then.

But nowadays I feel like I'm calmer.

I'm more in control over what I say. I can

keep secrets about things that I should

keep a secret. Just because I'm not

oversharing and sharing everything about

my life, it doesn't mean that I'm lying or

keeping a secret. And that's a bad thing.

It's actually a good thing to keep some

things a secret. A couple years ago, I

used to think that the benefits of the

self-destructive behavior far outweighed

the cost, but nowadays I can't really say

the same. Nowadays I feel like the costs

far outweigh any kind of benefits that I

could get from just destroying my life and

having self-destructive behavior, which is

why there hasn't really been much drama in

my life recently, and I've kept my mouth

shut if there is any drama because I don't

want to make things worse. It has very

difficult and challenging trying to let go

of this dream of becoming a big YouTuber

and just trying to let go of that

addiction to the attention and the fame.

Sometimes I do feel myself really missing

it though, really miss that dopamine rush

and that adrenaline rush when a video

blows up and gets loads of massive views.

But I have to keep reminding myself that

it's just not worth it, and the only way I

can get big views is by causing drama and

by being a a train wreck and being

a weirdo. I can't seem to get views by

doing anything else because I'm kind of

useless at everything. I'm not very funny.

I'm not likable. I don't have that charm

that you need to have to become a big

YouTuber. I don't have all these things

you need to make it big on this platform.

Doing YouTube the proper way without

taking shortcuts is really difficult.

It's actually probably more difficult than

just getting a real job. It takes a lot of

effort and a lot of hard work and a lot of

research and a lot of commitment to make a

good video and a good channel. If you take

shortcuts like clickbaiting, drama,

cheating, you know, trying to take

shortcuts and doing it the easy way, it

never ends well. Sure, you might get some

short-term gains, some short-term views,

but it doesn't last. There's no longevity

in it. It's also been very painful

watching my channel slowly die and wither

away, and I feel like I'm completely

helpless. There's nothing I can do to stop

it, and I'm not willing to do the things

that I know I need to do to get it back on

track because I actually like my life

right now. I like what I have. I don't

want to lose it. I have an extremely

addictive personality. I basically just

jump from one addiction to another

addiction, and it's been like that from

the age of probably like 15, where I was

addicted to online games like World of

Warcraft for a few years, and then I got

addicted to anime and learning Japanese,

and then I got addicted to chasing

Japanese women. Then I got addicted to

being a YouTuber and getting views. And

then I got addicted to the stock market

and gambling my money away buying and

selling stocks. And now currently I feel

kind of lost because I don't really have

an addiction. I'm still addicted to

YouTube, but then there's like this mental

block preventing me from actually

indulging in the addiction because I got

burnt by it so badly before. So I've been

trying to let go of my YouTube channel and

just accept its inevitability. Death and

just try and make normal stuff. Just do

these live streams and then talk about

personal things now and then and accept

that they'll never get those big views I

once had, like 30k, 40k, 50k.

They'll just get a couple thousand now,

3,000, 4,000. And I have to learn to

be okay with that because what is the

alternative? I just completely wreck my

life again so I can get a couple more

thousand views? It's just not worth it.

So I've been trying to focus my addictive

personality and my attention onto other

things like baking pies, looking after my

fish tank, trying to find things to put in

my fish tank that would be fun to do. Or

recently, because I'm so broke and my

financial situation is kind of bad, I've

been selling my tech on Facebook

Marketplace. Sold a few things so far,

sold my Switch OLED, and my iPad Pro.

So if you enjoyed my illustrated videos,

I have some bad news. There's going to be

no more illustrated videos because I sold

my iPad Pro and the pencil thing. And it's

okay, they weren't really getting massive

views anyway. It's not like I really

needed to do drawings to survive on

YouTube or anything. So I decided to sell

that and the Switch OLED. I've got more

things to sell like my laptop, maybe my

phones. I'll sell some of my phones. And

it's been quite fun, you know, meeting

people in Bangkok and showing them the

item, having a little chat, and then, and

then they hand over that big fat wad of

cash. It's quite nice to have so much cash

in my hands. I also had this idea of,

well, I was thinking of trying to find

some good deals on tech like iPhones,

computers, or tablets, and then trying to

buy those and then sell them on the

marketplace to try and get a bit of

profit, like $10, $20 profit, just for a

bit of fun. And then I can also make

YouTube videos about the tech. So I could

make some extra profit that way. You know,

just trying to find things like that to

occupy my mind and my time because I have

a lot of time these days. I don't go to

the Thai school anymore because I finished

my courses. I don't really know what else

to do all day apart from just sit around

doing some cleaning and trying to make

some videos or do some livestreaming. So

I've been trying to find some new hobbies,

some new things to try and get addicted

to. The fish tank is quite a nice little

time waster as well. So I guess things

just kind of naturally change over time.

I'm not a young guy in his late 20s

anymore. I'm going to be 35 in a few

months. I'm going to be a middle-aged man.

I'm already a middle-aged man, really, if

my life expectancy is going to be to

around 70. So I'm already probably past

middle-aged. I can't really keep doing

this life of constant drama and

instability and chaos. I want to

eventually settle down and have peace and

quiet and have a home and have somewhere

where I can live and not constantly have

to worry about, you know, which hotel am I

going to stay at? Am I going to have to

slum it out in a guest house or like stay

over some woman's house who I don't really

like? Maybe if I was younger, like early

20s, mid-20s, I wouldn't be thinking this

way. But as you get older and you mature,

your way of thinking really does change.

I never thought I would be into planting

plants in my aquarium and looking after

shrimp. That just seems so unlike anything

I'd be interested in. If you go back 5

years ago and you say to me that I'll be

living like this, I'd be kind of shocked.

So if you were hoping that things would go

back to how they once were a couple of

years ago with all the craziness, then I

don't really know what to say. I guess all

I can say is don't hold your breath

because I'm trying to do everything within

my power to not mess things up this time

like I did last time. Sometimes I did

think about making some fake content like,

oh, my girlfriend's pregnant. Oh, we lost

the baby. Oh, she kicked me out. And then

I film a quick video in a hotel room. But

I really don't want to do that. And I

don't think people would believe me

anymore. And if I just start lying all the

time again, then I would lose the

remaining viewers that I still have

remaining. And it's just not worth it. So

I'm not going to start lying and faking

stories again. I'm tired of faking stuff

and making fake storylines and coming up

with fictional events. It's not fun. I

don't really enjoy doing it. I only did it

back then because I wanted to maximize

viewership and maximize profits. But now

I've calmed down a bit. I don't want to do

that. I just want to be— I want to be

genuine again, be real again, just like

get back in touch with who I was when I

started this YouTube journey and just

forget about that weird version of myself

that was all crazy and out of control and

a massive liar during 2018 and 2019 and

also 2020, I guess. I want to say goodbye

to that version of myself and go back to

how I once was before the corruption of

YouTube really set in and started to rot

my brain. So finally, I just want to say

thanks for sticking around and thanks for

accepting that I do have flaws and I have

made a lot of mistakes and I'll continue

making mistakes, probably different kinds

of mistakes. But I hope that moving

forwards into the future, we can come up

with some interesting content ideas. That

doesn't involve destroying people's lives

and destroying my own life and lying and

coming up with fake storylines. I want to

try and do something that's a bit more,

you know, genuine and mature. And I know a

lot of people are going to find that

boring and ditch my channel once they hear

this. But if that's how it's going to be,

then that's how it's going to have to be.