I'm getting old and I dont have much time left

A few days ago, I went to an amusement

park for the first time in about 10 years.

Yeah, the last time I went to an amusement

park was exactly 10 years ago in Japan. I

went to Universal Studios Japan in Osaka

with 2 Korean ladies, and I really hated

it. They twisted my arm and they got me to

ride this spinning cup ride, which I

guess it doesn't really sound that bad,

doesn't sound very adventurous, but it was

enough to make me feel really, really

motion sick. I don't really like spinning

around in circles at high speeds. That's

not my definition of fun, and I just felt

really grumpy and I was in a bad mood for

the rest of the day. I went to another

amusement park and I refused to ride

anything this time because I just knew

that I would not enjoy it. It would make

me feel terrible, make me feel grumpy.

However, I did try this one thing. It's

kind of difficult to describe. So it's

kind of like a bouncy castle platform

without any walls, and about 6 people

stand on this bouncy platform, and in the

center there's like a padded rod that

spins round and round, and the idea is

you're supposed to jump over the rod, and

that way you get to stay in the game. And

there was like this annoying guy operating

it, shouting things into a megaphone,

trying to be funny, I guess, but it was

kind of irritating. And I thought

it would be pretty easy, you just jump

when the spinning thing, thing comes your

way, but it was much harder, much more

difficult than I expected because you've

got people to either side of you, and if

the spinning thing hits someone next to

you, it gets stuck on their legs and it

moves pretty quickly, and it's kind of

hard to tell when it's going to start

moving again. Also, the bouncy platform

was very unstable and wobbly, so it was

difficult to balance and jump properly.

And I jumped, but I didn't

jump at the right moment, and the spinning

rod hit my foot and it knocked me down.

So it knocks you out of the air if it hits

your foot and you go flying either onto

your back or onto your stomach. And I

landed pretty strangely in a very awkward

position, and I heard a clicking sound in

my back, in my lower back. It was pretty

painful, actually. And then for about the

next 3 days, I had this backache, which

was very uncomfortable, and it just kind

of made me feel kind of old, actually.

You know how people joke about old people

doing physical activity and then they hurt

their backs? It was always something to

laugh at, and you never imagined yourself

having to deal with back problems if

you're a young person. But doing

that jumping spinning thing and then

hurting my back like that was the first

time I ever really hurt my back. And it

kind of made me realize that I'm getting

old and I'm not young anymore.

I am 31 years old.

But I don't feel like a 31-year-old.

This might, might sound silly, but I still

feel pretty much the same as I did when I

was a teenager. When I was in my 20s, I

didn't really think about aging or getting

old much because I guess throughout

my entire 20s I looked pretty much the

same. I didn't really age very quickly. I

don't think I even started shaving with a—

with an electric shaver until I was about

28 or 27. Before then,

I never really had much facial hair. I

only had a tiny bit and I could easily

just pluck it out. But it wasn't until I

was around 28, late 20s, that I started

doing things like shaving my beard,

shaving my mustache, because if I didn't,

it would start growing and it was becoming

kind of noticeable. Because I've always

had a lot of hair and I never worried

about going bald, and I've always been

skinny, so I never worried about getting

fat. I could never really imagine what I

would look like as an older man,

as an older person. I couldn't imagine

being fat and bald like most old men are.

But recently I'm starting to get an idea

of what I could look like or what I

probably will look like, and it does scare

me a little bit. Maybe you don't really

notice it much because I use a beauty

filter in my videos, and I use a

low-quality camera. I don't use any

special cameras, I just use my smartphone

camera, so there's not a lot of detail,

and I do that on purpose. I did try making

videos with a good camera once before,

and It was one of the most depressing days

in my life. It made me realize that, wow,

my skin looks terrible and I don't look as

young as everyone thinks I look. So I

first noticed my first white hair.

I think it was last year when I was going

to the immigration center to renew my

spouse visa in Japan. I didn't notice it

until me and my ex-wife took a photo

together. I saw this silver line on my

fringe and I thought it was just the

light. Then I went to the mirror and I

looked and I noticed there was this

massive, long, very white hair. And it

really shocked me because before then I

had never seen a white hair on my head

before. The only other time I had a white

hair was this strange time when I found

one in my nostril. And I plucked it out

and it never came back again. But apart

from that, I never ever had a white hair

before, and it was, it was a scary

experience. I plucked it out and

thankfully it never came back again. Fast

forward to this year, now I've actually

found several white hairs on the back of

my head, and I don't know how many more

there could be hiding under there,

underneath it all. I'm guessing there's a

lot more underneath if I went searching

for them, but I'm a bit scared to look. I

also notice other things like I'm starting

to get pretty noticeable laugh lines. My

face also looks a bit wider compared to

how it used to look. I don't know if

that's also because I'm starting to cut my

hair shorter, so it could make my face

appear bigger than it used to because I

used to have very long hair. And it used

to make my face look smaller. I guess it's

kind of like an optical illusion.

But I do feel like I don't

really want to show my face in videos

anymore because I'm noticing my

face age and I don't like it. And I'm

worried that people start noticing

and then they'll start pointing it out.

No one's really pointed it out yet.

I guess people might start now that I've

pointed out myself. It's just weird.

The whole concept of getting older and

aging is a strange one, especially when

you've always been young up until now.

I've always been a young person. I'd

always meet new people and I'd say— they'd

ask me how old I was and I'd say I'm 21,

22, 23. 24, 25, and they would

say, oh, you're so young. And it was, it

was weird why that was a compliment, and I

didn't really know how to respond to that.

Yeah, I'm 20-something, blah blah blah.

It's not really something I have control

over. What was my point?

Um, yeah, so for the majority of

my life, I have been a young person. Up

until now. Now my 20s are over,

and I guess my mid-30s are

starting to approach. It's a bit strange

to start thinking that I've used up half

of my life expectancy

if I live until 70. It's kind of scary to

think that I'm at the halfway point,

and after another 30-something years,

I'm gonna be a 60-year-old man. That's

just such a weird thing to think about. I

can't imagine not looking the way that

I look now. I look in the mirror and I

think, that's me, that's Daniel, that's

what I look like, that's what I identify

as. And then to think that in 10,

20, or 30 years' time, I'm going to look

like a different version of Daniel.

That's kind of weird. And then to think

that further ahead, I'm not even going to

be alive anymore. And then everything I

did and everything I achieved,

everyone I met, everything I said, it's

not really going to matter. Because I'm

not gonna be around anymore. Maybe the

things I did and said and achieved would

remain in the memory of people who knew

me, but I couldn't really care less about

that because at the end of the day, I'm

not gonna be around, so I don't really

feel like anything else would matter

afterwards. This will probably sound

stupid as well, but When I was a boy, a

young boy, a kid, I never even imagined

getting older. I couldn't even imagine

becoming an adult. For some reason, I

thought I would always just be a kid for

the rest of my life, and my mum and dad

would always be there to look after me and

be like a safety net and to make sure

everything was safe and everything was

good and I wouldn't have to worry about

being responsible or mature. For some

reason, I just kind of convinced myself

that I would be a kid for the rest of my

life, kind of like Peter Pan. I never

really felt interested in the idea of

growing up. When people asked

me, so Daniel, what do you want to be when

you grow up? I would just answer,

I don't know. I didn't want to think about

it. I didn't even— I couldn't even imagine

growing up and doing something like a job

or a career. I thought I'd just stay at

home playing video games for the rest of

my life. And I guess I

did manage to do that. I mean, I am 31 and

what did I do today? Stayed at home all

day and played video games. And now I'm

starting to think about things like At

what age do I start dyeing my hair? Am I

going to start dyeing my hair when I get

loads of white hairs? Am I going to start

doing things like whitening my teeth or

getting some kind of procedure so I look

younger? Or am I just gonna let myself age

naturally and just not care about it? I

try not to think about it too much. I try

not to think about getting older,

thinking about the years just slipping by,

thinking about how each day is just me

getting closer to the end point.

I think that's one of the curses of

intelligence, is that you are aware

of the facts that you're not going to live

forever, and you spend every day just

doing your little things, your routine.

I guess it's not very healthy. It's not

very good for your mental health if you

keep thinking about getting older and

thinking about how you're getting closer

to your last days. I don't think

that's a very good way of, of living your

life. But sometimes it just pops into my

mind randomly. I'm lying in bed and I'm

just thinking, That's another day over. I

only have about 10,000 or 11,000 of them

left, and then that's it. I'm done.

I'm finished. You can't get any more days

after it's finished. You've got a limited

amount of time, and I'm just wasting it

playing Fortnite on my Switch Lite.

Well, is it really a waste? If I'm

enjoying it, then maybe it's not a waste.