Where The FWuk Am I

Hey, please help me.

I'm lost.

What do you mean there's no sound? There

must be sound. Can you hear

me? Hello?

Talk to me. It says I have

a very bad connection.

Can anyone hear me?

Hello.

If the volume's low, then turn yours up.

watch the bloody livestream. Useless,

useless fan base.

9 people.

Can you hear now? What do you mean no

sound? There is sound. Hello?

Hello? I just unplugged my microphone.

Is there sound now?

That's weird. So if I unplug the

microphone, you can hear. That makes

sense. What's the point in having a

microphone if it doesn't work?

I don't think this microphone is very good

because it kept rubbing on my clothing and

it was making this irritating sound.

Hey Sam, it's, it's me.

I know it's you.

This is really difficult. It's really

tricky to film and walk and talk at the

same time and try to see where

So I was just sitting in the convenience

store for about 10 minutes because I have

diarrhea. I don't know why I have

diarrhea. What did I eat last night?

I can't remember what I had for dinner

last night. I think I had— oh, I had

pasta. The Italian guy made me pasta, and

this Japanese girl, she made me salad.

Now I have diarrhea. They didn't— maybe

they didn't make it properly.

They poisoned me. This is what you get for

eating food from strangers. You get

diarrhea. My stomach's painful.

See if I can flip the camera. Do I have

the confidence to do this? Whoa, it's a

bit close.

Can anyone actually hear me?

If there's no one behind me, then I feel

quite confident. But if there's people

walking behind me, I feel a bit anxious.

I don't want to film them by accident.

So what am I doing today?

I'm just walking in a straight line, see

where it ends up. Look at all the traffic.

I'm looking for clothing because I spilled

some chocolate on my shirt on the

aeroplane and I can't get the stain out.

I washed it twice, but there's still this

dark patch on it.

And I want to buy a shirt that kind of

looks the same. It's a long-sleeved grey

shirt with buttons.

There's Japanese people everywhere.

And I've still got this gigantic pimple

on my chin. It's not going white, it's

just going red. And you can't pop it,

and it's really painful if you try and

squeeze it. I think it's going to be there

for a few more days.

Can you go to the Robot Cafe? The Robot

Cafe is very far from here.

I'm not in Tokyo. I'm in a secret

location, but no, please don't write where

I am in the chat. I don't know if anyone

is actually in Japan. I don't want to get

stalked. It's the police.

Why are there so few people? 9, 11 people.

How many people are here? What time is

it in America right now? I think this is a

bad time to do livestreaming.

It's so noisy here, it's really difficult

to talk.

I don't know where I am.

Look at this shot. Cars linked

Maybe it's a gay sex place.

So some people from the guest house, they

invited me to go to this sports place,

but they want to go from 10 PM until the

morning. They want to do it all night,

and I said okay, I'll go.

I don't, I don't know if I really want to

Yeah, so I guess America is the morning,

so that's why there's not many people

watching. Ah, time differences.

I need to start livestreaming in the

morning of Japan if I want to get an

American audience.

This place isn't very interesting anyway.

I don't think I'm gonna livestream very

long today because I need to conserve my

battery for tonight. You'll donate

a dollar if I say hello to someone? No,

that's like $100. I wouldn't even do that

for $100. I don't know, I might do it for

$100. I wouldn't do it for $10.

So I'm supposed to be looking for a

clothes shop, but there's no shopping

areas around here. And then what time is

it now? It's 7 PM in Japan.

My little finger.

Oh, so I have to hang around

for a few hours and then go to this sports

place where I'm meeting everyone else. I

don't know anyone though. I know this one

Japanese girl. She's okay, I guess. She's

fairly nice. But she doesn't really talk

much, and I don't really know what to talk

to her about.

Which way should we go? Should we follow

these people?

There's a foreigner. There's a

foreigner. Stay away from him.

I don't like it when there's foreigners

nearby because they can understand what

I'm saying. I feel fairly

confident because I'm pretty sure no one

around here understands what I'm saying.

It keeps saying very bad connection. For

some reason, the connection keeps going

really bad, and then it gets all

pixelated.

Japanese petrol

I don't know where to go. Where should I

I was pointing to my camera right in his

face.

This is so difficult. I'm trying to

concentrate on where I'm going and film at

the same time. And read the chat and try

not to walk into people.

Is there someone behind me? There is.

There's someone behind me.

This is really awkward.

This place looks nice.

So I had a really good day today.

Something great happened and I feel pretty

satisfied about it. I'll tell you about it

later when it's safe. Um,

oh, on the last livestream it got

copyright flagged because, you know, when

I walked into the convenience store, that

music was playing. It matched up with some

kind of song from Sony and it came up with

a third-party content match. And they

blocked it in 6 countries and they got

monetization disabled. So I had to

download the video and then silence the

parts when I went into the convenience

store, and then I just re-uploaded it and

now it's monetized again. So unfortunately

we can't go into convenience stores

because they're always playing music.

There's lots of people behind me.

This is romantic.

What should I do?

It's so peaceful here.

I don't know what to do.

There's hardly any people watching, so

it's kind of boring. Why are they

Everyone just started clapping for some

reason. What time is it?

It is 7:20.

I've got 2 hours 40 minutes to piss

around. Maybe I should get something to

eat. To eat. Some food.

How's the weather in Japan? It's hot,

it's muggy, it's humid. It's pretty

horrible. But it's nice at nighttime.

Nighttime's nice and cool. Damn,

69% battery. Livestreaming really eats

battery power.

I can't

believe that just happened. I can't

believe that actually happened though,

right there on the spot. That was crazy.

That was absolutely crazy.

The police cars here look kind of funny.

Here they look like toys.

Usually I have about 60 viewers on a

livestream, 60 to 70, it depends. Maybe

the title wasn't very interesting.

There's only 15— no, 13 now.

I've never had over 100 viewers for a

livestream. I think the most I ever got

was about 90.

16. See if we can get over 20. I think I

chose a really bad time to start.

17. Come on, we can get over to 20. We

need over 20 viewers and then I'll get

naked in the middle of Japan. Everyone

wants to see that.

This is nice.

When you go, would you even

I need some spark to bring the more views.

What kind of spark? What can I do to spark

it up?

It's not really— well, it's really dark

here. Why is it so dark all of a sudden?

Look at this building.

Ouch.

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. There's not

really much to these live streams though.

It's just me walking around. I'm not going

to start fights or start talking to

strangers. So I guess it is kind of dull

in that sense, but I

thought it was cool to show you what I'm

doing.

This place looks kind of shady.

Do do do. Ba ba

ba. I don't know why the people at the

guest house they want to do an overnight

session at some kind of sports place.

It's like a sports center where you can

play badminton, ping pong,

baseball. You know, kind of like an arcade

center but with sports.

Anywhere that's dark looks shady to me.

But why do they want to do it overnight?

They, they said because there's no trains,

we'll miss the last train if we go at 10.

It's kind of weird, isn't it?

Maybe you are not in there yet. That spark

isn't there. You need to being out your

strong qualities of your character in the

videos you upload. I don't really have a

strong character. It's mainly just me

whinging about stuff. But videos and

livestreams are different.

In my videos, I'll talk about a specific

thing that's on my mind, but livestreams

are just like vlogs, I guess. Just random

rambling. No, no specific point to it.

Hey, we went over 20 viewers! 21! Welcome

to the stream. Give me money,

give me money and I'll do anything you

want.

Over 20 Interviewers, get naked.

No, I don't want to get arrested.

YouTube suggested this. Another games.

Are you a new viewer or a regular viewer?

Which way should I go? Forwards or turn

right? I'll turn right. Look at

these people. Traffic. Oh no,

we're not gonna make it.

I think we just walked in a circle. Did we

just walk in a circle again? This looks

like the same place as before.

I don't want to say hello to anyone.

I'd say— whoa, I tripped. There's a big

lump of concrete on the road and I just

tripped over it.

I thought you broke up with your

girlfriend. I broke up with my

ex-girlfriend. That's why she's my

ex-girlfriend. Now I have a new

girlfriend. We haven't even met yet

though, so I haven't met Tomoko

yet, so it's too

early to break up. Give it some time at

least.

It's so hard to be natural when you're

trying to film stuff because it's really

weird. It's not a normal thing to do, to

be walking around filming yourself, is it?

And, and talking to a camera. Camera, and

I feel kind of self-conscious about it.

We've got 65% battery. What to do?

Do people in Japan not say hello to each

other on the street? Strangers don't say

hello to strangers. I thought that was

normal anyway. Why would you just say

hello to a complete stranger?

I'm not scared about North Korea. North

Korea won't do anything, don't worry.

Their main interest is keeping in power,

is surviving. They know if they, they— if

they attack someone, it's going to be over

for them. So they're not going to start

anything, aren't they? Let's go this way.

When you go,

would you ever turn to see?

Oh, it's awesome.

I really want to go to karaoke actually.

I feel like singing right now. I wonder if

there's any karaoke around here. This

place is kind of dead. It's like a

business kind of area. There's just loads

of high-rise buildings. I don't know,

let's turn right down this quiet alleyway.

I know the image quality is bad.

The connection on my pocket Wi-Fi isn't

great. Sometimes it keeps

losing connection or it gets really slow,

that's when it gets pixelated.

Cola addict, fuck you. No,

fuck you. Fuck your mother.

I sound a lot happier being in Japan.

I am a lot happier. Although I do

feel lonely sometimes when I'm in my room

at the guest house and I don't feel like

there's anyone to talk to. I was really

bored yesterday. The Italian guy and the

Japanese girl, they made me food, pasta

and salad, and I ate with them, but they

didn't even speak. They just sit there in

silence. I tried making conversation, but

they didn't really respond much. They

weren't very responsive. It was really

boring.

Climbing the outside of a building?

No, the answer to that is no. I don't

think so. We can find a prostitute if you

want. Guys, tip me some money so I can pay

for a prostitute. That's the only

experience I haven't done yet in Japan.

Everything else I've done. BJs in the

park, sex on the beach.

Is anyone

behind me?

I always look really sweaty and greasy.

That's why I don't like showing my on

livestream because I can't edit it. I

can't bump up the brightness to make

myself look less gross, and it's hot and

I feel really sweaty. But hopefully— how

much do I need for a prostitute? It's

about ¥15,000 for an hour.

I think that's $100 maybe. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know how to get— do

you know Andy Miller Konis. Yeah, I know

him. He's a Twitch streamer. He's that

41-year-old guy who looks, who looks like

a 12-year-old kid, isn't it? Is he really

41? He looks like he's 12 years old. It's

really funny.

He's really confrontational. If he gets

pissed off with someone, he just He stands

up for himself, doesn't he? I can't do

that. I don't have the guts.

My favorite streamer is Ice Poseidon.

He's hilarious.

He's my new favorite YouTuber/streamer.

I love it when people call Andy Milakonis,

or whatever his name is, miss. A lot of

people think he's an old woman. He does

look like an old woman, doesn't he? He has

that kind of look, and he has— and he's

really overweight, so he looks like he has

tits.

Let's see how I look like when I'm 41. I

might look the same, but I feel like I'm

starting to get wrinkles. Wrinkles here.

People ask me, why don't you smile much?

Why do you always look unhappy? It's

because smiling gives you wrinkles,

doesn't it? Look, if you smile, you get

all these creases. And even though I don't

smile much, I'm starting to get those

creases on my face here.

So I try not to smile. I'm laughing on the

Why am

I walking on the road? Do I

have any contacts with the bisexual guy?

No, I don't talk to him anymore.

How much battery do we have?

61%. My hair's going funny.

Which way should we go? I don't really

want to go back to the main road because

it's so, so noisy.

I need to get a selfie stick, don't I?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have my power bank. Oh, there's a— this

is a dead end, isn't it? I'm gonna get

beaten up by the yakuza any moment.

Did you hear the burp? Are you kidding me?

Did you hear it? I was trying to be really

discreet with the burping. This is

how I laugh. You know, there's a very

special skill Where you laugh without

actually laughing, and it looks like this.

You just make the laughing noises, but you

don't actually laugh with your face. Is

that kind of creepy?

I can't help but laugh though. That just

makes it even worse. It makes you laugh

even more.

I think I look better from this angle.

Like this. I'm so vain.

Okay, let's go somewhere new.

First I need to find the train station. I

need to get out of this dump.

I nearly got run over by a bicycle. It's

really hard to tell which way the bicycles

are going It looks like they're going to

the left and they go to the right.

Why don't they ride their bikes on the

road? Look, look at this guy.

Everyone rides their bicycles on the

footpath. In England, they ride bikes on

the road. You're not really supposed to

ride bikes on the footpath. You're

supposed to ride them on the roads because

it's dangerous. Dangerous.

Japan seems a bit dull.

I guess this area is pretty dull. It's

really businessy. It's like

a financial area, I guess. The thing is,

if I go to— if

I go to a really busy place where there's

lots of nightlife, then I won't be able to

speak because it'll be so noisy and I'll

just have to be yelling at the camera and

I'll look like a complete idiot. What do I

think of Gimme a Break Man after his

comment? Nothing. It's a perfectly fine

comment. I know my videos I know the

things I say in my videos are kind of

stupid. I know my way of thinking is

ridiculous. I don't need people telling me

that I'm stupid though. I know it's a

stupid way of thinking, but that's just my

outlook on life. He's entitled to

his opinion, but it's pretty funny

watching him argue with everyone on the

comments section. He gets really

defensive I feel like he—he's very

argumentative. I don't think he's

a bad person, though.

I don't think it's illegal to ride on the

sidewalks. It's just—it's frowned upon.

But if you're a kid, then it's perfectly

fine because it's dangerous to be a kid

and ride a bicycle on on a dangerous

motorway or. Um, car, car footpath.

What's the footpath for cars called?

Roads. Yeah, that's the one.

We're jaywalking. We're jaywalking.

Is jaywalking illegal in Japan? Because if

there's no cars, I just cross the road

even if it's a red light.

My ex-girlfriend, she would just stand

there waiting for the light to go green

even if there's no cars coming. She'll

just stand there until it goes green, and

I would just cross the road, and then

I'd be standing on the opposite side of

the road waiting for her, and she's just

standing there like an idiot even though

there's no cars. There's no cars coming,

just cross the road. God,

Japanese people can't do anything unless

they're told to. They even need a bloody

light to tell them how to cross the road.

Why can't I

find the train station?

Did anyone else see me?

Can't talk when I'm not moving. It's

really awkward.

We're moving, we're moving,

we're moving.

This is really funny, just filming people

who's behind me.

We're walking,

walking. Walking all

night in Japan,

looking for prostitutes in

Japan. Respect whamen.

How do I get to the shopping center, the

shopping area? What is this place?

I'm gonna end up using all of my battery.

Maybe I should go back to the guest house,

charge up, and then go to the sports place

with everyone. I don't feel like going all

the way back home and then coming back out

to the city. I brought

my charger, but But I didn't bring the bit

that plugs into the wall. I just brought

the USB part. The video

quality is bad because my pocket Wi-Fi

isn't great. Bad connection, I guess.

Oh, there's a bridge.

Let's go up the bridge, have some privacy.

Oh, we have some privacy

There's just lots of traffic here,

traffic and office buildings. And

convenience stores. Not much else.

I'm tired.

Who wants to go for a beer? A beer.

There's nothing I can do about the stream

quality. Sorry,

I guess you can blame it on the pocket

We should have a get drunk meetup.

There's no settings on the YouTube app for

streaming for video quality, so it's all

automatic.

Oh,

that's all you had to say.

Never wanna na na na na na na

na na na na na. Where is

the train station? Excuse me,

where's the train station? Please help me.

Hey,

look! Studio Snack Bar. Do you know what

a snack bar is in Japan? It's basically

like a pub, but there's girls working

there, and old men go in

there to drink with girls. Young girls.

My voice is going— My

voice is starting to go already.

My voice is so weak.

Japan has lots of weird places where you

can go drinking and you can drink with a

girl and then you pay her money just to

sit there to have a drink with you.

You're not even allowed to touch her or do

anything. What's the point? What's the

point of sitting there with a girl if you

can't even have sex with her? And then you

pay money. If you're gonna pay money, at

least make sure you're gonna have sex with

her. Otherwise, you just wasted

your time and your money. There's just a

load of vomit on the floor there.

Oh, I didn't tell you this story. Last

night I was in the living room with this

Italian guy and this Spanish guy, and they

were having this conversation about

brothels in Japan, prostitution. The

Spanish guy was really interested— the

Spanish guy was really interested in

paying for sex, and he was asking the

Italian guy all of these questions. And

the Italian guy is very knowledgeable

about paying for sex in Japan.

He was showing him all these places and

these websites where you can pay for sex.

And he was telling him prices and stuff

like that, and I was just sitting there

listening to their conversation,

laughing.

If I was really desperate and I had it and

I had the money, then yeah, I'd pay for

sex as like a last resort thing.

But I don't really want to pay for sex

because I After you've had the sex, then

it kind of feels like you just wasted all

your money just to have sex for 20

minutes, and you feel kind of cheap. And

then they kick you out. There's no love.

There's no cuddling.

Ba ba ba ba ba ba.

The Italian guy was speaking in really bad

English and Japanese. I thought Italian

people and Spanish people could understand

each other. I guess Italian and Spanish

are different languages.

I'm meeting her in a few weeks. I won't

tell you the exact same date But it'll be—

I think it's just over a week to go,

and we're getting us some pee, some puss,

puss in the boots, some long-awaited,

some long-awaited vagina. It's gonna be

My nose is so pointy. What do you mean my

nose is pointy?

I have really big nostrils. Look,

don't I look so beautiful?

I think

that person saw me pick my nose. Oh, we

found the train station finally.

Did that man see me pick my nose on

livestream?

I didn't know he was standing right behind

me though. People just appear out of

nowhere here and you have no idea.

I don't know where I am.

Someone's speaking English.

Where are we going? Where are we? I don't

know where I am.

That Japanese guy was speaking English

just now. He, he was saying my wallet or

something. It was some reason. Maybe

because he heard me speaking English.

That was weird. Who should

I stalk?

I can't really check where I'm going

because Because I'm live streaming.

Um,

I wish I could speak some kind

of weird language that no one understood,

like Swedish, because some people

do understand English. And all foreigners

are gonna understand English, but no one

understands Swedish apart from Swedish

people. So if I was speaking in Swedish,

I'd be pretty safe. No one would

understand what I say apart from Swedish

people. But there's no Swedish people in

Japan, is there?

But then if I If I was speaking in

Swedish, none of you guys would understand

what I was saying either. That doesn't

really make sense.

I'm completely lost. Someone help

Luan Kaylek sounds okay.

Where are

we going?

I have no idea where I am.

Shut up, stupid man.

Interrupting my livestream.

This is

creepy.

I can

do it, do it, do it.

Can you say bur? Why? Bur?

No, it would come up as B-U-R. I found it!

I just found the station that I was

supposed to go to completely randomly.

Stop hiding my ears.

We're gonna

miss the train.

長 堀 鶴 見 横 地 線 の 乗 り 換 え です。 左

側 の 扉 が 開 きます。 ご 注意 ください。 I

can't talk.

人 気 だけ で 始 ま ら ない けど、 人 気 だけ じゃない 料

金 を 購 入 し よう みたい な 乗 って て とか、 そ こ で

どう かな。 次 は

桜 川。 桜 川 阪

神 線 の 乗 り 換 え です。 出 口 は 右 側 に

変 わ ります。 Next station です。 桜 川 ス

テ ー ショ ン の 前 です。 Next station.

Can anyone hear me? Can you hear me?

Donate to me if you want to see it.

Donate $5 for the one in the white.

右側の扉が開きます。ご注意ください。 次

は ナ ンバ ー、 ナ ンバ ー

移 動 指 示 線 四 つ 橋 線 J R 線

近 鉄 線 南 海 線 の 乗 り 降 り 出 口

は 右 側 です。 Next station is N

amba Station number S 63.

Next station 移 動 指 示 線 四 つ 橋 J R。

南 海、 緑 筋 線、 四

橋 線、 J R 線、 近 鉄 線、 南 海

線 の 乗 り 換 え です。 右 側 の 扉 が

開 きます。 ご 注意 ください。 Okay,

we're nearly out. Just a bit more,

then I can start talking again.

Where am I going? I'm going to meet my hot

date. She's waiting for me in a

dark alleyway.

其实我最大的期待就是看你整期怎么想。 It's

too difficult to talk here. There's too

many people.

The voices are so high-pitched, it's

really funny. The sales assistants, they

have this really squeaky Mickey Mouse kind

of voice, and they're doing it on purpose.

It's not their actual voice. They just

make it really high-pitched because for

some reason that's what they think draws

in customers. Bend over.

Can I go and find David Bond?

David Bond wants to teach me how to pick

up girls. He said he felt like he really

wanted to help me out and he wants to

teach me pickup. I said to him,

that's It sounds fun, but I have a

girlfriend, so I can't really do that, as

you'll find out. But that's not

the reason why I wouldn't do it. No, I

love my girlfriend. I would never pick up

girls off camera. Oh, what kind of person

do you think I am?

Panties.

How do I get out of this place?

It's like It's like never-ending. Look,

it just goes on and on and on. There's no

end. Am I going to film on my date?

No, but I'll film afterwards.

We're not really going, going to have a

date. We're just going to meet up and

we'll go straight to our hotel.

I know, it's very romantic.

Oh shit, I'm gonna get copyrighted for

this music, aren't I? I just realized

there's music playing. Does anyone

recognize this song?

Sounds like something American. Oh, let's

I hate copyright. It just means that you

can't monetize the video after you've

finished uploading it to YouTube.

Can anyone actually hear me?

I have 6 megabits upload.

I paid a lot of money for this pocket

Wi-Fi, I'll have you know.

It's supposed to have 75 megabits upload,

but it doesn't. It has It's about 6 or 7

at most. I feel so conned.

Can someone buy me some alcohol?

Hey, look, they got tiny beers.

Child-sized beers.

Ping pong. Where's my money?

Where is the Jack Daniels? These are nice.

I need something to eat. I don't really

feel like drinking alcohol.

Can I buy stuff with a Suica? Yeah,

you can. I guess I could.

Look at this

cheeseburger. Sandwiches in Japan look

kind of gross. Look, they don't look very

appealing.

Let's get

There, are there people behind

me again.

How much money do I make streaming? I only

make any money if people donate. If people

don't donate, I don't make anything apart

from ad revenue.

How do you open this thing?

I need to open my sandwich. I can't open

They make the wrapping so difficult to

open. Look at this.

Yeah, I got a new pimple. It's not a new

one. It's a really old one. I've had it

for about a week now.

Is the pimple really obvious? I thought

you can't really see it.

I can't eat this. I need

to put it down.

Hey, thanks for a money.

I need to find a bin.

Okay, the rubbish has been disposed.

Go this way.

Thanks for the dollars. Happy Halloween to

There's so many in that car.

I need a drink now.

My fingers are really long. They are.

It's foreigners.

What should we get? Orange juice,

¥100.

Don't have

Where's my money?

What kind of money is this? Hong Kong?

I'm not in Hong Kong.

Hey, look, you can buy cigarettes as well.

Should I buy some cigarettes? You don't

even need ID, you can just pay.

Sorry. Look, you just buy cigarettes

here. Just put the money in. You get it.

What am I getting? Orange juice.

Where is it?

Yeah, give me that.

100 yen is about 60p,

70p. It's pretty cheap.

Orange juice. Orange juice.

And now I need to open it.

We're gonna stalk this girl. We're gonna

stalk her and then Sorry,

get out my way, lady.

I'm on a mission.

My face looks so oily and sweaty.

Are these prostitutes? Look,

how much do they charge?

Smells so good here. It smells like

barbecue everywhere.

Smells like barbecue here.

How much battery do we have? We can't see

the oily face because of your pocket

Wi-Fi. That's a good thing then if you

can't see it.

How do livestreamers do it then?

You know, someone like Ice Poseidon, how

does he livestream? I heard he uses mobile

Modems. He has 4 modems in his backpack.

I nearly got run over.

He paid $3,000. Yeah, he paid almost

$4,000 for this really high-tech stuff so

he can have really good quality streams

anywhere he goes. I'm not paying that much

money just to do a livestream for 20

people. I'm not spending $4,000 for 29

people. I'm not that rich.

Maybe if I had a big viewer base,

then I would.

Look at

my beard. People keep saying I don't have

a beard. I do.

You have to look underneath my chin, then

you can see it.

It's called

a chin beard.

Even if I shave it, you can still see the

gray bits, the bits of hair left over.

Unless I pluck it all out, you can't

really get rid of the gray patch. I hate

it. It looks really horrible.

How do I rename my stream when I'm

streaming? I think you're right.

I, I didn't title this stream very well.

Hold on, I'm gonna re— I'm gonna restart a