I think I have depression

I think I have depression, but I'm not

sure. I don't really know much about

depression, and I'm not a clinically

trained psychologist or doctor, so I don't

really know what I'm talking about when it

comes to depression. So instead of just

claiming that I have depression. What I'm

going to do is I'll describe to you how I

feel and think about life in general,

and then you can tell me if you think I

have depression or not. Um, you know how

some people say there's always a light at

the end of a tunnel? Well, I don't feel as

though there is a light at the end of the

tunnel. I feel as though I've entered a

tunnel and the light is behind me. But the

tunnel wasn't finished, and there's

no— there's no back end to the tunnel,

and it leads nowhere, and all there is is

darkness in front of me. And what I think

this means is that I feel as though the

light, or the good times, the happy times,

are behind me, and I don't really see much

happiness or light ahead of me in the

future. I can't really tell you why I,

I feel this way. Maybe it's a case of

rose-tinted glasses or goggles where

everything that happened in the past kind

of— now that I look back on it, it kind of

looks better than what it really was like.

Maybe the things that happened in the past

weren't that great, but I'm all nostalgic

now, and when I think over it, it seems as

though the past was better than the

present. Generally speaking, I don't

really look forward too much in life.

There's not really anything that's really

exciting, exciting me right now. I don't

really feel excited about much. I wake up

in the morning and I'm not excited to wake

up. I'm not thinking, oh, I can't wait to

wake up and do all these fun things,

because there isn't really many things

that I find fun right now.

I guess that's a little bit strange

because when I was younger, I used to be

very different. When I was in my early 20s

or 18 or 19, there were lots of things

that I found interesting. There were lots

of things that I was excited about and

motivated to become good at. And I guess

as I grew older over the years, I just

lost— started to lose interest in things

one by one. And I haven't been able to

replace those things with new things that

I'm interested in. I suppose it doesn't

really help that I'm not very adventurous.

I don't really enjoy trying new things.

If I can avoid trying new things, I tend

to avoid trying new things, mainly because

it's just a bit of a pain, you know,

having to buy something that I don't know

if I would enjoy or not, or starting

something that I don't know if I would

enjoy or not. If you ask me what do

I enjoy right now in life, I guess my

answer would be eating food. I enjoy

eating, which is— which might come to a

surprise to you since I'm so skinny, but I

do enjoy a good bacon and eggs for lunch,

and I quite enjoy playing Rainbow Six

Siege. That's, that's a lot of fun. It's a

video game, and apart from that Not

much else. I don't really enjoy doing

challenging things. I try and avoid

difficult tasks. I always take the easy

path. I don't really want to try and start

a project that would be difficult because

I have this way of thinking where

everything seems kind of pointless, and

working really hard and doing something

that's difficult just seems kind of

pointless when I think about it.

I haven't always been like this. When I

was younger, um, I enjoyed learning new

things. For example, quite enjoyed

learning Japanese, and I quite enjoyed

learning Korean. Those were pretty

difficult things to try and become good

at. And I also enjoyed drawing.

I really want to become I used to really

want to become good at painting, digital

painting, and I really wanted to become

good at artwork.

But now I just don't really care. It

doesn't bring me any enjoyment. I don't

really care about becoming good at it,

and I just lost interest.

I think the words I don't care is

something I say quite a lot. There's not

a lot of things I care about right now.

You could say, why don't you learn to

become good at this? Why don't you read

about this? And my honest answer would

just be, I don't really care enough to

want to learn about it. And I'm finding it

very difficult to care about things in

general right now. I have days where I

don't really do anything apart from waking

up, having something to eat, playing some

video games, watching some YouTube, and

then going to bed. And then waking up the

next day and then the exact same thing

happens. Kind of feels like the same day

is just repeating itself over and over

again, and I'm not really doing anything

of value or of purpose.

And I don't really know how to fix that

because there aren't really any things

that I, that I should be doing or need to

be doing. And it does get a bit boring.

I wish I had something Some kind of

responsibility, something I had to do,

some kind of task. I have little tasks

like vacuuming or brushing my teeth

or making lunch. If I had to choose one

thing I generally look forward to, it

would probably be sleeping. I quite enjoy

sleeping, mainly because I get to dream,

and I have some pretty crazy dreams

sometimes. I wouldn't be able to explain

what happens in these dreams because I

would get— this video would get

age-restricted straight away. But I think

you can imagine what happens in these

crazy dreams of mine.

They're basically things that are very,

very unlikely to happen in real life.

Let's just say one of them involves me

being the captain of a spaceship and the

entire crew are very attractive ladies,

and we get up to all kinds of mischief

whilst flying around the universe.

Life would just be so much more fun if I

was in charge of everything and everything

I wanted happened, everything I wanted

came true, and I could just click my

fingers like that and I could become the

captain of a spaceship crewed by a crew of

naked ladies. But real life isn't like

that. Real life isn't so easy. Real life

is hard. If you want to get the things

that you really want in life, then you

can't just sit around fantasizing about

it. You have to be clever enough to,

to find out how to make these fantasies

come true. And some

of these fantasies should never become

true. Because they're pretty messed up.

My point is that there are things I wish

would come true. I wish that I had things

that I didn't have, and maybe

physically, technically, it is possible to

make those things come true and to get

those things, but it's just so much hard

work that I'm not willing to put in, that

I'm not willing to do. I'd rather just sit

here playing Rainbow Six and going to

sleep and dreaming about it. When you

dream about it, it kind of feels like it's

real. I can't wait for the day where they

invent VR where it's so realistic that it

feels like you're actually inside of it

and you can create all these crazy

scenarios and messed up fantasies in

VR and act them out. That would be so

good. So I guess in conclusion, I would

say that I don't really find anything

interesting. Everything's kind of boring.

Life feels boring. People are boring.

I don't have much enjoyment in life. I'm

too lazy and I don't have the motivation

to go out there and make things happen and

to make my dreams come true. I just don't

have that drive and

I wish I did. I feel a little bit envious

of people who seem to find everything

fascinating in the world. They'll walk

down a street and everything's interesting

to them, and that they look so excited and

they look like they're having so much fun.

I wish I could be like that. I used to

know this guy, a Canadian guy in Japan.

We lived in the same guest house and we

would go out together walk down

some, some street in Japan, and the look

on his face, he just, he just looked so

fascinated by everything. His eyes were

wide open. He just looked like he was

having so much fun in life. And I would

ask him, what are you looking at? What's

so interesting? And he would say, oh,

look over there, there's, there's

something there. And I would look and I

would say, oh, it's not that fascinating.

But everything, everything seemed to

fascinate him, and he just looked like he

was happy all the time. And sometimes

I wonder to myself, how does that feel

like? I wonder what it feels like going

through life like the Canadian guy, where

everything's interesting, everything's

fascinating, everything's great,

nothing's boring. It must be a lot more

fun. Must be a much more enjoyable way of

living your life than finding everything

boring and uninteresting and pointless.

I don't like being this way. If I could be

like the Canadian guy, I would love to. I

just— I just can't. I'm just not like

that. Anyway, I've been rambling for

quite a while now. I think I'll end this

video here. And let me know what you

think. Do you think I have symptoms of

depression? And what should I do about it?

Do I need to be on medication? I don't

think it's that bad. Maybe there's things

I can do to, um, head in a better

direction. Maybe I am in some kind of

tunnel where there's no exit and there's

only darkness ahead of me, but maybe

there's a secret passageway that leads to,

to a better tunnel that does have a light

at the end of it. Who knows? Hi and

welcome to my setup tour. So I've bought a

few new things to improve my setup, and I

just wanted to show you. This is my desk.

It's where I sit at for most of the day.

On the left-hand side is my dad's

handprint framed. And I have

a second monitor here, and this is my main

monitor. Recently I've bought this ring

light which looks pretty good, I think,

in videos and streams. It also has this

second bendy stand for a camera or a

webcam. Don't really need it because I

just put the webcam up here. I also bought

this new webcam. It's not expensive, only

cost about £30, but it's a lot better than

my older one. A lot wider angle as well,

which is nice. My old webcam has been

turned into a makeshift CCTV camera.

I sellotaped it, sellotaped it to a

tripod, and it's just filming the entrance

out there just so I can keep an eye on

what's going on without peeping behind the

curtains. Because I used to peep from

behind the curtains like this, and it's

kind of obvious, and a few times people

caught me doing it and they looked up and

it was embarrassing, so I have a webcam

there filming. The, the plan was to

connect my second monitor to my computer

so I could play Rainbow Six, and then on

the second monitor it would be showing the

display, the live display of the driveway.

But unfortunately my graphics card only

has one HDMI port, so I can't plug in a

second monitor, and I'm not sure how I

could plug it in. Maybe there's some kind

of adapter. And for sound recording, I

have a Blue Yeti microphone, and I

have a roll of sellotape to prop it up

a little bit higher. I have this wireless

charging thing for my phone, which is

pretty good. I also bought this new plug

extension, which is good because I needed

more plug sockets. And this is my Switch,

Nintendo Switch. I got a stand for it. So

I can charge it at the same time as using

it. And I don't really play games on it

these days, I just use it to watch

YouTube. So I'll have YouTube running

here, and I'll be playing Rainbow Six,

and, um, it'd be nice if I could get this

second monitor working so I could see

what's going on outside whilst I do all of

that. And this is my Joy-Con's white

housing case that me and my dad put

together. I have a battery bank, my LG G5

battery charger, tripod mount

thing, and some keys, a pair of scissors.

I also got this new USB hub which is quite

good, uh, 11 ports. There's also charging

ports, the red ones. And I have these

speakers. This is a subwoofer which

I don't really need because I turn the

back— the bass— the bass, how do you

pronounce it? I turn the the bass off

because I don't really like having

so much bass when I'm playing games. I

prefer not having it on, so that was a bit

of a waste of money. There's a selfie

stick under there as well which I never

use, and that's my computer. It's pretty

good. I built it myself— well, actually me

and my dad built it. I built most of it,

but my dad helped out a little bit.

That's not true, my dad built most of it

and I helped out a little bit. I think we

built it around the end of 2015.

I chose all the parts myself off Amazon

and we put it together together.

It's a bit old now but it's, it's still,

still a pretty good computer. It has a GTX

1060 graphics card, has 16

gigabytes of RAM, Core i5 processor.

Water-cooled, 128 GB SSD.

So it's a good computer, I think. I guess

it was pretty expensive if I add up— if I

total up all of the money that I spent

building it, then I think it might go over

£1,000. But it's a good computer and I've

been using it for about 4 years now, so

it's good value for money. This is my old

graphics card. It's a GTX 750 Ti,

which was getting pretty old, and I

couldn't play many games on high settings,

so I upgraded to a 1060, which is, which

is a lot better. I can play pretty much

everything on ultra now, and it's so

silent because the graphics card in there

has triple fans instead of double fans,

and triple fans are so quiet.

Especially when you're playing games, you

can't even hear the graphics card going.

And yeah, that's my setup. I think it's

pretty good. The only improvement I want

to make is I would like to find a way to

connect my second monitor into it so I

can, so I can use this monitor as a CCTV

display. That'd be pretty cool. And maybe

a third webcam would be nice so I can

attach it here and then maybe get a

different angle of outside. That'd be,

that'd be fun.